A wise friend once said fear stands for "F%*& Everything And Run." I think I kinda like that sentiment, given that I'm coming to realize that I'm afraid of everything. I run in so many ways, most often it takes the form of escape from my emotions or situations, either through fantasy (both sexual and nonsexual), movies (I tend to watch a lot of movies), or my work (people tell me I may be a workaholic). Rarely do I confront my emotions and say, "OK this is fear, this is sadness, this is joy," and just allow myself to feel it and let it pass. Once I have these feelings I tend to want to mask or agitate them; for me, there has been one way to do both: sex with self or others.
Being gay, I'm coming to realize, has little connection to my sexual acting out, rather the acting out is merely a symptom of me not knowing how to properly process being gay, while striving to remain faithful. There is a lot of shame involved. A lot! I ignored two phone calls from my parents yesterday (because of shame); they know about my struggle to remain faithful. I try not to think about how life would be without the possibility of a loving relationship with a man, but this often overwhelms me and so I seek an escape, or I run.
But the thing is I keep coming back to what I feel matters most. I can't deny the spiritual feelings. I can't. And so, I try with some effort to surrender my fears to God. But the reality is I've been afraid my whole life - afraid of failure, afraid of not measuring up, afraid of succeeding, afraid of mediocrity, afraid of the status quo, afraid of marriage, afraid of being alone, and so forth. These fears have shaped who I am today. I have been able to rely on them for so long, like good friends they've always been there with constancy.
As I now try to approach God, it's tremendously difficult surrendering my fears to Him. Especially the fear of being alone - this fear has given me license to justify leaving the church entirely. But sacrifices are necessary, they sanctify (at least I'm told).
So a surrendering I go.
Wow, I could have written this post. I think most of us who are gay and LDS feel or have felt similarly. My "friends" were pornography and alcohol. They numbed the fear. While these friends are somewhat at bay, fear now chases faith. Surrendering I must go as well.
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