Detached

I feel quite detached from things that matter. Lately I've been wondering why keep going. But at least I recognize this feelings of being detached from the consequences of my behavior.

This past week has been a real struggle. There has been a lot of stress and anxiety, as a result, I turned back to pornography and masturbation as a way to cope. Probably not the best thing for my spiritual development, but it may be better than seeking out an anonymous encounter as I'm prone to do.

It's amazing that even in the midst of my wrestle with obedience, that the Lord still sees fit to bless me. He truly does seek after me.

Yesterday I went back to the temple to explain to God why I was not able to keep the covenant I made a week earlier. While I reflected on my week, I realize how much grace and mercy Father extended toward me. I realize then how much God does actually love me, amid this realization I broke down and wept. Despite my trouble keeping a simple covenant the Lord continued to bless me! I was at the moment truly in awe. Truly!

While I still do want a deep and intimate connection with a man, I realized that I could not find happiness in that relationship. Unless that relationship was within the bounds the Lord set. But then again, I have resolved to sacrifice any all relationships from here on out. I suppose as I work on sacrifice and giving all I am to God, completely surrender, then perhaps in His infinite mercy he'll give me something back.

But I do know and say with confidence that God loves me. Before it was merely an acknowledged idea in my mind, as I progressively yield to God, I am coming to know with a certain clarity that He loves me. The more I feel and understand that love, perhaps the more I'll be able to trust Him.

I can only hope.