For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Saturday, April 2, 2011

General Conference and Battefields

I woke up this morning, with a degree of trepidation. I went to my morning meeting, came home and made breakfast. I turned on General Conference, not really knowing what it was I was seeking for. But I started to listen, there was then an overwhelming feeling of wanting to start trolling Craigslist for some anonymous connection, which I insist will fill a deep and intimate void and need.

As I continued to listen, it occured to me that the old (or recently old) feeling of being inadequate, a failure, and not worthy of reaching an ideal I imposed on myself and projected onto the General Authorities came back. As I listened to the Apostle speak, I could not help but feel that I would never live up to the ideal he spoke of, and that feeling of inadequacy and worthlessness needed to be medicated. It was this that led to thoughts of wanting to find an anonymous encounter to numb the pain; somehow I was thinking that an empty cuddling, kissing, and oral sex would give me the fulfillment I needed, or felt I needed.

But the reality is, my memory is so short. Those actions deaden the soul, as I heard from someone else. How quickly I forget. However, I'm grateful, I did not forget the battlefield.

When I sought out an anonymous encounter about two weeks ago, a precursor to that was getting on Gay news sites, and Craigslist. I recognize that these websites, and other activities are my battlefields. If i get on the battlefield, I will lose - always!

Since the last fall, I have not opened any gay news sites, or Craigslist. Even now, thinking of them brings a rush of emotions, and chemicals I'm sure that excite me - a pavolian response, I'm sure. But I recognize that I will eventually lose the battle, if I dabble, even if I think I'm strong enough - I'm not!

While it's not about avoiding these things, it's about not fighting against it. I am learning how to let these emotions that would naturally elicit a desire for an anonymous connection, just stew and pass through me. This is reality I'm experiencing for the first time. I'm not fighting, I'm now just experiencing.

1 comment:

  1. Good progress in personal thought process. Your battlefronts are the same for many of us, and it is a constant battle. You are not alone, and you are not inadequate.