The past few weeks have been transformative (I think...). General Conference was a chance to feel God's chastisement and reminders of who I am. While it was painful, I was nonetheless grateful. Heavenly Father told me that I have more faith than I think I have; that if I want to know Him more, then love Him and serve others. I suppose, while it's hard to do so, I will allow myself to serve others and find ways to be obedient! Obedience certainly is difficult, but I will do even though I don't understand. I think I'm coming to understand what simple faith looks like.
I talked my Bishop about where I'm at today, and he responded by telling me that I've made progress, even though I can't see it myself. I am still working on submitting myself to the process of repentance, I realize going to Gethsemane and back is simply not about abstaining from behavior, but rather about touching the pain of the Savior and trudging the lonely path of suffering. I think I'm ready. Gethsemane will change me, but I'm still filled with trepidation about journeying the path to Gethsemane; but I know it's the only way to "come unto the Jesus." My Bishop was pleased and asked to meet on Sunday. I'm looking forward to it. I will be meeting with the Stake President on Sunday as well. Priesthood power will make me happy and usefully whole, at least I trust it will.
Yesterday, I received a blessing from a guy from my Elder's Quorum. I felt I could share my struggle with him and did so. I met him at church after the Sunday morning session yesterday, we found an empty room and I offered a prayer, before the blessing. After the prayer, he put his hands on my head and gave me a powerful blessing. He communicated to me the following words from Heaven: "hang on a little longer." I felt comforted and felt the desire of Heaven on my behalf. After the blessing, he hugged me and pulled me tight against him and wept, I wanted to pull away. Afterward we talked a bit, then he gave me another hug. This time, I pulled him closer to me and wept tears of gratitude and felt a release of doubt; I felt at that moment that I was embracing the Savior. He held me tight and told me he loved me. I felt complete in that moment (however fleeting it was). After the blessing he put his arm around me and walked me out of the building. I appreciated that and am grateful for his worthiness and love.
It's a relief to know others are concerned about me and are willing to serve me.
On a different note, I'm training for a half marathon and it's killing me....
God loves you, you felt the power from the heavens during the blessing. God will help you heal, it will take time, but he can heal you. The question becomes will you let him heal you? I fought it for years, now looking back, i feel peace and happiness in my life and the attraction to men is gone. It is possible, so keep holding on a little longer. Ask God to help you heal and then trust him.
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