This past week, while filled with some great insights, has been difficult. I've been flirting with danger and disaster. I've been toying with the idea of cuddling with some guy - but the reality is I know I won't just cuddle. But I've been thinking about it.
Last weekend, I made several connections and was ready to go through, but then had this salvific thought - "If you go through with this the probability of you being excommunicated increases." This was a sobering thought. I stopped. But then decided that I'd do the "safer" thing and masturbate and look at porn. And so I did.
But the desire to be held did not leave. This week, I've been plagued with this idea, and to escape that idea, I simply reverted back to porn and sex with self. Obviously, there is something deeper going on. I realized that I don't want to visit home, see or talk with my parents. I ignore their phone calls. I'm not really sure why. I told them about being gay, and they responded in love. Yet for whatever reason that feels uncomfortable to me. I'm going to visit my brother and his family this weekend, and I feel anxious as well. Perhaps that's the stress. I'm not sure.
But the idea of being needed, the desire to be held by a man is so overwhelming. I wonder where my strength is to just deal with reality. Reality is hard. But I continue to pray; despite my travails, I know God is there.
I made several phone calls to friends this morning trying to be honest with myself and my feelings. It feels good to do so.
Perhaps I can finally focus on writing this behemoth of a dissertation!
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