For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Sunday, January 2, 2011


So the past few weeks have been busy, to say the least. I had a very stressful end of the Fall quarter. Grading papers, writing proposals, getting ready for Christmas, and generally trying to be Santa Claus to all I knew. It's stressful. During that time, the nagging question of leaving the church had settled deep within my mind - it continued to gnaw at my hopes, my aspirations, and eventually it took me to paths I never intended.

The question gnawed at my soul. I almost slipped four days before Christmas. However with thanks from a friend, I was talked down from the cliff. But the question remained. But let me connect the question to my state of mind. The question was fueled by my physical needs and desire to be with a man. This deep and seemingly innate desire led me to question whether I should remain in the church. Yet, the power of that desire to be with a man - to be fulfilled physically. In that physicality, was a curiosity I nurtured by my questions: what does it feel like to touch a man? what does it feel like to kiss a man? what does it feel like to cuddle with a man? These are some of the questions of the desires of my body and mind. These questions were nagging and strong; I wanted so much to know the answers to these questions. In short, I wanted to be with a man. This desire naturally led me what would prevent me from finding answers to those questions: the doctrine of the church. Well, to be fair, it wasn't the doctrine that prevented, rather it was my own socialization into the norms of the church. It was, in short, the fear that my reputation would be tarnished. In other words, I knew if I found the answers to those questions, I would be disfellowshipped and thereby people I knew would think less of me. However, I missed the fact that I should have been more concerned with the actual doctrine and the breaking of covenants. But to overcome this feeling, I reasoned leaving the church to be a viable option; an option that would enable to be with a man. The thought of being in the church for my whole life and not knowing the feeling of a man's touch was unbearable, it was unthinkable, it was lonely and incredibly depressing.

While in this state, I begin to yearn after a man's touch. I yearned to be with a man, the thought of what others would think of me did not seem to have the same power over me. That was when I felt I could then act on these desires; the thoughts of covenants and doctrine did not have the same efficacy as it did before. Four days before Christmas, I was about to look for someone to fulfill these base physical needs. Yet, at that moment, I called a friend. He talked me off the cliff.

I left for home and spent an incredible spiritually uplifting time at home; my father is a bishop. He does not know of my struggles, but I witnessed his ability to reason with the Spirit. It showed as we spent time together. I love him and my mother dearly. They are my heroes and my life. I resolved when I was leaving my parents home after the Holiday to put all these things behind me. I felt that I wanted to doctrine of love, the doctrine of heaven. I felt resolved to fully overcome the natural man; which meant putting the yearnings behind me. I stayed at a friend's home near the airport and there, my relayed to me the story of how they might be excommunicated because of what they did (relations with their same sex). I did not realize my friend had struggled with this. I was not able to give advice. But what my friend did stayed with me, my friend was not phased, was not afraid of the consequences. This gave me pause to think about the yearning questions, and a part of me said, "it's not that bad."

The yearning returned. I desired to feel a man's touch, to be with a man physically. I got home to the Northwest and that evening I invited a guy over to simply give him a massage. I massaged him, and it took everything in me to keep from touching him down there. I then kissed him - I kissed a guy for the first time. I felt right. He held me as I kissed him. He then left. That kiss kept going through my mind, I was coming to realize that I did not want sex, but rather an emotional connection; that kiss was indicative of the internal yearning to be connected at a deep and intimate level with a guy. He responded to my touch - he needed me and found my touch fulfilling. As we kissed he responded. I felt needed.

The next day, I invited another guy over the same experience. I wanted to feel that again. He came, got undressed and I massaged him and kissed him passionately, he held me tight and hugged me. The passion was there. After he left, I begin to realize that I did not want sex, I did not necessarily want to see someone naked. Rather what was imprinted on my mind and soul was being needed at the deep and intimate level. I wanted someone to hold me and kiss me. I then got onto Craigslist and found someone who wanted to snuggle and cuddle. I responded to ad and then found myself in front of his apartment building.

He came down and let me in. I walked into his room; while being fully clothed, we climbed into his bed, and he climbed into my arms. I held him, he held me. We cuddled all night, there was not sex, there was no kissing. He held me tight. I left the next morning. I had come to realize what i wanted most was to be held, to be needed deeply. I came away that morning, the fire of the questions gone, the lust after the next visit gone, the desire to be sexually gratified dissipated. What I wanted most after that experience, was to be able to sleep next to someone and know that i was needed. That guy pulled my arms around him and held them tight. He laid his head on my chest and squeezed em tightly against him and slept. This fulfilled me; it took the questions away.

I realized then, that I want to be needed at a deeply emotional and intimate level. While my family and friends may fill part of that, the intimacy that comes from people who are attracted to each other is missing. I realized then, that my pornography addictions, my acting out, and the questions, were symptomatic of this unfulfilled need.

I told my Bishop the whole ordeal. I am fairly certain now that I will have a disciplinary council. The fear I had before of what others would think of me is gone; the fear I had of my family knowing I was in a state of limbo (with my membership) is no longer there. I now know what I want, I want to be loved deeply by someone for eternity. While I may certainly have continued problems of these attractions; at least I now know what I want.