For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Monday, November 8, 2010

Thinking Deeply

Being the 12-step program definitely has its benefits. Going through that program really is a program on learning how to let go of myself. It's hard. I keep thinking that I, of my own accord, have the capacity to do things that would propel me to eternal glory. This is not so. Yet, I believe that I can do it on my own. I try to give my life over, but it has become increasingly difficult.

As I think about my crimes against heaven, I come to feel they are really crimes. I have violated and broken sacred covenants and have sought to touch the unclean thing. I have broken my promise to God. It has been four months since I did what I did, and now I am coming to realize its severity. I thought I did before. I thought I understood pain for what I have done. But for whatever reason, the fact that I broke a law of heaven is now taking on a new light.

Perhaps this is what I have been praying for. Before I wanted to believe I could be healed and forgiven as quickly as I committed the crime. Not so. God does not work that way. This is heavy. I find my thoughts wandering to my actions and my state - I can barely concentrate on my work.

Repentance is hard. Turning one's life over is hard.

I am lonely.