For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Re-committing or Being Bamboozled...

I went to church and honestly was miserable. I tried to be happy, but simply felt miserable. The three hour block could not have been any longer, but I endured. I stayed, and tried to be attentive. But alas, I was not happy there. I read the pamphlet "God loveth his children," and found myself angered by it. This prompted me to recall the blessing of my heart of stone, so I did a quick study of how that term has/is used. Being hard-hearted in my case seems to be about steeping in doubt.

While I acknowledge God the Father and even recognize there may be power in the atonement, I continue to doubt the atonement's ability to heal me, or simply give me to strength to endure and to make me happy. It seems I have been left alone for so long that I can no longer feel that divine influence, hence the doubt!

I went on a date with this guy on Friday - it was a nice evening. No sex, no touching, just a good old fashioned date: dinner and movie and good conversation and brief hug at the end. This got me thinking that if I really want the atonement to work, I have to be willing to completely turn away in both thought and deed from the desires of my heart. I recognize the logical and doctrinal necessity, yet, I don't feel willing to let it go. In short, I doubt the power of the atonement.

I suppose now is the time to simply pray for the desire and willingness to yield. AUGHHHH! Time to get back on my knees!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Past feeling or Reality

So it's been a while.

While watching a movie and cuddling with this guy, one thing led to another and I ended up doing what I shouldn't have. After it happened I sent the guy home and called my Bishop: he came quickly. He was visibly disappointed and clearly frustrated with my apparent inability to not be attracted to men and to not act on those desires.

Feeling like crap, I asked for a blessing to help get me through the remainder of the day and my upcoming research trip. He agreed and gave this blessing that I am still trying to process. I am not certain whether the blessing came from God or simply became the forum in which the Bishop could finally voice his disgust at my behavior under the guise of the blessing. The blessing basically condemned me and called my actions with other men perverse...but said in a condemning manner. Then the Bishop or Lord (not sure) says I need to root out my heart of stone and replace it with a softened heart. This really hurt, as I feel I am trying to yield. But there may be truth in it.

While I'm not sure who gave that blessing, the substance of the blessing seemed to finally give voice to the expressions of frustration the Bishop had with me for the past several months. Honestly, I was stunned. But I had to and am continuing to try to convince myself that this is the spiritual 2x4 the Lord used to whack me over the head. I don't want to talk to the Bishop anymore, but alas I know if I leave the church I will never come back.

I left to the East Coast for work last week and had time to reflect on that interaction, I did not open the scriptures or offer a single prayer the entire time I was away. Truth is I can't really tell the difference between how good I feel some days the the times I felt the spirit. It makes me wonder about the veracity of the gospel altogether. But something deep down continues to nag at my soul, there is truth in the gospel, I feel it, however faint it is.

So here I sit in my office taking a break from my work to write this entry, wondering where God is. Honestly, I can't feel Him or His presence. When people say there is evidence of Him in my life, all I can see is coincidence and randomness, or the efforts of hard work. I have to continue to remind myself that I may not see clearly with my spiritual eyes, so I simply trust others.

It's hard.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


So the past month has been particularly difficult. I've literally slept with the same guy twice, granted there was something that happened before the sleeping. What was to be just cuddling turned into something else. I did not feel fulfilled, rather a sense of loneliness and despair set in. What am I thinking?

So I've realized that for some reason I've adopted, assimilated, and internalized a myth about myself: that I am not worthy of love, in short, I believe I am not lovable. As I dwell on this, I begin to feel lonely, this sense of loneliness is then accompanied by fantasizing about a relationship with a man. These fantasies are non-sexual, rather they are about me being fulfilled emotionally, having the sense of loneliness filled. As I dwell on that, I realize I'm afraid to experience loneliness so I seek out someone to help fill the void I feel. Hence me sleeping and cuddling (and doing other things) with this guy. It did not fill the loneliness.

My therapist says, "no matter how shitty it gets, you need to lean into that fear and experience the loneliness in a healthy way." Sure. Perhaps one day soon.

I told my bishop and he now has me telling ten friends I admire the most about my struggles, so they can help fill the loneliness. Is that inspired? I'm not sure, but here goes to telling people who have no idea of my struggles.

And here I sit, lonely, and truth is, it's crappy!