For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


So the past month has been particularly difficult. I've literally slept with the same guy twice, granted there was something that happened before the sleeping. What was to be just cuddling turned into something else. I did not feel fulfilled, rather a sense of loneliness and despair set in. What am I thinking?

So I've realized that for some reason I've adopted, assimilated, and internalized a myth about myself: that I am not worthy of love, in short, I believe I am not lovable. As I dwell on this, I begin to feel lonely, this sense of loneliness is then accompanied by fantasizing about a relationship with a man. These fantasies are non-sexual, rather they are about me being fulfilled emotionally, having the sense of loneliness filled. As I dwell on that, I realize I'm afraid to experience loneliness so I seek out someone to help fill the void I feel. Hence me sleeping and cuddling (and doing other things) with this guy. It did not fill the loneliness.

My therapist says, "no matter how shitty it gets, you need to lean into that fear and experience the loneliness in a healthy way." Sure. Perhaps one day soon.

I told my bishop and he now has me telling ten friends I admire the most about my struggles, so they can help fill the loneliness. Is that inspired? I'm not sure, but here goes to telling people who have no idea of my struggles.

And here I sit, lonely, and truth is, it's crappy!


  1. I won't try to preach to you. I'm in the same boat. Thank you for being real.

  2. sounds like a hard challenge from the bishop. Are you going to do it? That sounds terrifying.
    For me, I've tried (sometimes more sucessfully than others) to fill my loneliness with my knowledge that God is always with me. He can fill that loneliness. And he loves you no matter what you do. If you believe that your worthiness comes from him, and because of what our saviour has done, not because of what we do, that can be encouraging because you can know that even when you mess up, God still wants to be with you. I don't know if fulfilment can come from anywhere else.
    thanks for sharing. I hope your journey gets brighter, and though it might not get easier, that you will get stronger and rest fully in the arms of your loving Heavenly Father.