For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Past feeling or Reality

So it's been a while.

While watching a movie and cuddling with this guy, one thing led to another and I ended up doing what I shouldn't have. After it happened I sent the guy home and called my Bishop: he came quickly. He was visibly disappointed and clearly frustrated with my apparent inability to not be attracted to men and to not act on those desires.

Feeling like crap, I asked for a blessing to help get me through the remainder of the day and my upcoming research trip. He agreed and gave this blessing that I am still trying to process. I am not certain whether the blessing came from God or simply became the forum in which the Bishop could finally voice his disgust at my behavior under the guise of the blessing. The blessing basically condemned me and called my actions with other men perverse...but said in a condemning manner. Then the Bishop or Lord (not sure) says I need to root out my heart of stone and replace it with a softened heart. This really hurt, as I feel I am trying to yield. But there may be truth in it.

While I'm not sure who gave that blessing, the substance of the blessing seemed to finally give voice to the expressions of frustration the Bishop had with me for the past several months. Honestly, I was stunned. But I had to and am continuing to try to convince myself that this is the spiritual 2x4 the Lord used to whack me over the head. I don't want to talk to the Bishop anymore, but alas I know if I leave the church I will never come back.

I left to the East Coast for work last week and had time to reflect on that interaction, I did not open the scriptures or offer a single prayer the entire time I was away. Truth is I can't really tell the difference between how good I feel some days the the times I felt the spirit. It makes me wonder about the veracity of the gospel altogether. But something deep down continues to nag at my soul, there is truth in the gospel, I feel it, however faint it is.

So here I sit in my office taking a break from my work to write this entry, wondering where God is. Honestly, I can't feel Him or His presence. When people say there is evidence of Him in my life, all I can see is coincidence and randomness, or the efforts of hard work. I have to continue to remind myself that I may not see clearly with my spiritual eyes, so I simply trust others.

It's hard.


  1. Examples like this reinforce my decision to stay deeply closeted. I am not ashamed at who I am, I just don't need all those distractions. I got things to do, man.

  2. Hello. I found your blog from a link of someone who visited mine and follows yours.

    I'm 55. I grew up homosexual and at 19 came out of the closet. I lived in the gay community for 4.5 years.

    I had had a "Christian" conversion at age 15, but I renounced God and religion when I entered the lifestyle. In 1979, I recommitted my life to Christ. 1980, I met my soon-to-be wife, as we were married in 1981. We recently celebrated 30 years together. We have reared five children. I live a heterosexual life now.

    If you would like to throw some questions at me or share some thoughts/ ideas, contact me. There's an e-mail address on my blog.

    I understand being homosexual and wanting to know the Father in heaven. I will not condemn you for any reason. There is no condemnation in Jesus. (Romans 8.)

    Here's a link to my blog and series I wrote recently on homosexuality. Even if you don't contact me, I wish you well and that you find peace.

    Oh, last thought. There is a real you who is free from the desires that pull you down.

  3. Dude sounds like your bishop is a tool. He can be disappointed all he wants but being a tool isn't productive. I'm with Santorio... I should have just kept my mouth shut.