Being Made Straight

For the past ten or so years I've avoided directly gazing my attractions to men in the eyes; for better or worse, avoiding that gaze kept me "safe." But I've come to realize that to move forward, I must look my attractions in the eyes and accept that I am gay.

In the ten years or so, I've come across all sorts of tenuous research that suggests people can be made straight (or that their sexual attractions to men diminish and then cease to exist); others tell me they no longer have those attractions; others tell me that it's behavior that can be un-learned or un-conditioned. While I do not doubt their claims, their experience is not generalizable, and frankly seems absurd.

I have learned that for me, I will always be sexually attracted to me, that my desires for love will be for love with another man. Yet, I can still be healed. Not healed in the sense that some organizations suggest, that my attractions will diminish, if I but make friends with other straight men. That by so doing, I de-mystify the masculine (this sounds ridiculous, at least to me). But I suppose for others, it works.

This weekend, I was reminded what healing looks like for me: "Sometimes a 'healing' cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are 'healed' by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us."

If I am to be healed, I believe the healing comes from being given the strength to endure my life in the church without fulfilling the desires of my heart (a life with a man); my healing will come from being endowed with an understanding of blessings that come from sacrifice, from an understanding of my role in God's plan; my healing will come from patience from heaven in the midst of struggles of doubt and uncertainty, and indeed in the midst of overwhelming lust.

While I believe in a God of miracles, I think the miracle for me, will be God endowing me with power to endure faithfully the moments of uncertainty and doubt. While I don't doubt God could make me heterosexual, I don't think He will; rather He will come to my aid in other ways.

I am gay and that experience will shape my eternal identity.