Running the Race

My conversations with Heavenly Father are getting better. For the longest time, I always approached prayer in a very formal way, using the proper "holy" pronouns (thee, thou, thine), while this does bring a degree of reverence and respect to prayers, it somehow got in the way of building a personal relationship with Father.

Yesterday morning, I climbed out of bed and dropped to my knees and said "Heavenly Father, Good Morning!" While it felt somewhat out of place, it also felt I was able to connect to Father at a more personal level.

Last night I talked with Father as I would a dear friend, fumbling over my words, having half baked ideas trailing off to nothing. I recall once someone tell me their relationship with Father was like that of an old "buddy." That intrigued me. My relationship with God has either been predicated on a belief of his exacting and demanding nature or on nothing at all. Approaching Him as a Father of love who I can be a buddy with is hope filled. I am coming to know God for the first time.

This morning I talked about how difficult it will be for me to know that I will not ever have a relationship with a man (in terms of loving companionship), but that I place my trust in Him, hoping that it will work out.

I think of Abraham and his sacrifice, I think of the sacrifice of so many, then I think of the simple and profound faith of Adam: "Why dost thou offer sacrifices unto the Lord? And Adam said unto him: I know not, save the Lord commanded me."

While I certainly don't know the range of reasons (or any really) as to why Father allows some of His children to experience homosexual attractions, the reality is at the core it is a question of faith.

I arrive at this same conclusion eleven years after my mission, but this time, with a new perspective of God, not a God constructed by intellectual study, but rather a God I don't know, but trust. Adam's faith was so simple and so profound, I strive for this level of trust in God. I hope to one day say, "I know not, save the Lord commanded me" in all things He asks of me. I do not need to know the "why" to receive the blessings of obedience.

I did tell Father this morning, that walking away from a life with a man, feels like grieving the death of an old friend. I yearn to be with at old friend, but know it can't be.

I am a novice runner, while I've been going to the gym for some time, the running portion is new. I committed some time ago to run a half-marathon. I feel like my life toward Heaven is a race (I know this is an old over-used metaphor, but indulge me, since I'm new to running, it makes even more sense). I had my first long run on Saturday, I nearly gave up the last quarter-mile. But I focused, and it took every ounce of strength I had to put one leg in front of the other, without losing momentum. I finished the run with a new best for minutes per mile. I felt great, but the last quarter-mile was so arduous, but I continued, trusting I could finish. So I trust the process of repentance, though I don't really know God, all I know of Him now is that I can trust Him. This is sufficient for me.