Intrepid Steps, I think

So I have a confession.

I've been meeting this guy regularly for about two months now, going out once or so a week. I've not done anything with him except hold his hand, once while watching a movie. But I keep going back to him. So last time we met (last Saturday), he came over to my home and we watched "True Grit." I received a text from him the next day, "Can I ask you why u didn't cuddle last time I was with you? I thought that was what you wanted....just wonderin." After receiving this text I paused for a long moment and reflected on what I was doing in more ways than one, I seemed to be asking myself the question Father asked Adam, "where art thou?"

Truth is, I pay to hangout with this guy. Crazy! I know. But the intrigue around the potentiality of something happening has me hooked. I ruminated on my predicament and then texted back "Sorry, felt a bit awkward paying for something like that...that's all." Once I sent the text, I realized I was telling the truth. This was an epiphanous moment, I finally feel awkward and ill at the thought of paying for physical touch. Maybe this is progress.

Yet, I am still addicted to the intrigue, the potentiality of something happening. I told the kid (he's 22, I think), that I couldn't meet him anymore. He reacted in a defeated and rejected manner, seeing that I felt bad. But decided for my own sanity and for the sake of repenting completely, it had to come to an end. He simply said, "I understand."

I thought I was over with this phase, then I received a text on Monday asking again why I was not physical with him, I responded in a similar manner, and he responded, "U stress like its a big deal and its not buddy...you worry too much," I somewhat balked at the reply. I wanted to stop, but again the intrigue. Then he surprises me by shifting the conversation from him to porn, "Well I can help, u wanna pick up a movie? ill put one in a case for you, u can do whatever u want wit it...i wont think anything of you. bud its natural to feel what your feeling...and I understand."

I suppose over the course of the two months and the last time, he picked up on all the energy I was feeling around those visits, he finally came out with it and basically said, "you need a release." True, I do. But not of the sexual kind.

Yesterday, I took a break from my work to go for a walk to clear my head, somehow I ended up in the Institute Director's Office. I talked with him, feeling a little down as to how weak I am. During the course of the conversation he shared with a different take on the Joseph Smith first vision, focusing on the events leading up to the theophany.

The Prophet describes his situation as a "thick darkness" gathering around him, and "at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction...I saw a...light...which descended gradually..."

I felt and continue to feel the darkness gathered around me, those texts are simply illustrative of the thickness of the dark. Yet, I feel strangely hopeful and optimistic that while I don't see much light, it will gradually descend. So I move forward taking small steps into the dark, first by collecting the courage to completely end the bizarre relationship I have with this guy, and second by simply trusting God, even though I can't see farther than the next five minutes. Making this resolve, I feel encouraged and oddly at peace.