For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Intrepid Steps, I think

So I have a confession.

I've been meeting this guy regularly for about two months now, going out once or so a week. I've not done anything with him except hold his hand, once while watching a movie. But I keep going back to him. So last time we met (last Saturday), he came over to my home and we watched "True Grit." I received a text from him the next day, "Can I ask you why u didn't cuddle last time I was with you? I thought that was what you wanted....just wonderin." After receiving this text I paused for a long moment and reflected on what I was doing in more ways than one, I seemed to be asking myself the question Father asked Adam, "where art thou?"

Truth is, I pay to hangout with this guy. Crazy! I know. But the intrigue around the potentiality of something happening has me hooked. I ruminated on my predicament and then texted back "Sorry, felt a bit awkward paying for something like that...that's all." Once I sent the text, I realized I was telling the truth. This was an epiphanous moment, I finally feel awkward and ill at the thought of paying for physical touch. Maybe this is progress.

Yet, I am still addicted to the intrigue, the potentiality of something happening. I told the kid (he's 22, I think), that I couldn't meet him anymore. He reacted in a defeated and rejected manner, seeing that I felt bad. But decided for my own sanity and for the sake of repenting completely, it had to come to an end. He simply said, "I understand."

I thought I was over with this phase, then I received a text on Monday asking again why I was not physical with him, I responded in a similar manner, and he responded, "U stress like its a big deal and its not worry too much," I somewhat balked at the reply. I wanted to stop, but again the intrigue. Then he surprises me by shifting the conversation from him to porn, "Well I can help, u wanna pick up a movie? ill put one in a case for you, u can do whatever u want wit it...i wont think anything of you. bud its natural to feel what your feeling...and I understand."

I suppose over the course of the two months and the last time, he picked up on all the energy I was feeling around those visits, he finally came out with it and basically said, "you need a release." True, I do. But not of the sexual kind.

Yesterday, I took a break from my work to go for a walk to clear my head, somehow I ended up in the Institute Director's Office. I talked with him, feeling a little down as to how weak I am. During the course of the conversation he shared with a different take on the Joseph Smith first vision, focusing on the events leading up to the theophany.

The Prophet describes his situation as a "thick darkness" gathering around him, and "at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction...I saw a...light...which descended gradually..."

I felt and continue to feel the darkness gathered around me, those texts are simply illustrative of the thickness of the dark. Yet, I feel strangely hopeful and optimistic that while I don't see much light, it will gradually descend. So I move forward taking small steps into the dark, first by collecting the courage to completely end the bizarre relationship I have with this guy, and second by simply trusting God, even though I can't see farther than the next five minutes. Making this resolve, I feel encouraged and oddly at peace.

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