For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Friday, June 10, 2011

Being Present in the Loneliness...

So I've heard it said more than three times in the last month and a half. First from my therapist, then from a friend about two weeks after, then two days ago from another friend: step in to and be present in the loneliness. My therapists added, "no matter how shitty it feels..."

Indeed. Today is shitty. I've decided to step into the loneliness. Before any inkling of feeling lonely, I'd seek out pornography, escape to the movies, cruise Craigslist, or any number of other things. But not this week.

I've repeatedly told myself today and yesterday, just experience the loneliness, be present in it. It's a fine line not slipping into despair; my thoughts have ranged from thinking this is how it'll be for the rest of my mortal like if I remain in the church to "if I only endure it well..".

But I tend to dwell more on the fact that this may be a precursor to my life in the church, learning to endure well my lonely life. My Bishop wants me to pray for a vision of my future, he thinks I don't have the proper desires to have a family and wife. That if I could just capture a glimpse of a my future life with a wife and kids, I'd have a desire to change and stay in the church.

I think he's missing the point. It's not that I don't have a desire for these things, I do, but there's pain connected to the reality of that coming to past. It's better for me to simply accept a single life in the church than to build up any sense of hope for things that may never be.

But I try not to dwell on that, right now, I simply have to remind myself that this intense loneliness I feel is temporary and "it too shall pass."

And so I wait, being present in shitty-ness.

1 comment:

  1. i have learned that being alone is not so bad depending on the perspective I have towards it. I hope that you are not to lonely in your loneliness. Thanks for the reminder to embrace the situation in which we find ourselves