Being driven to my knees

So I'm verging on unemployment and my meager savings run out mid-August. Being a grad student can be financially burdensome; especially when potential employers tell you "we are impressed by your experience, the caliber of your expertise, and education; however, this job maybe a bit routine for you." In other words, "you're overqualified." Thus has been my luck. So I get to work on my research, analyzing the data as a means to distract me from portending events that will arise in August.

Interesting that it took this to drive me to my knees. Lately I've been coming to terms with and trying to figure out, as give some meaning to the thoughts I have of being angry with Father. Because of this anger, I have not prayed much, nor have I studied the scriptures. But realizing that I may be homeless come mid-August, I've been driven to my knees. I received an impression to apply for several jobs, and I did, and each one came back with "sorry." At this point I begin to wonder aloud what Father was doing; perhaps he is training me how to trust Him, as I once did.

Last night as I candidly expressed my anger and frustration I received a faint thought: "pay your tithing." I've regularly paid my tithing, but recently since I knew I may not have the finances to sustain myself, I decided to put off paying tithing until after I found a job. But Father is now asking me to pay tithing - if I do this, I will have nothing.

This I can do; it doesn't feel like a sacrifice. And frankly once I felt resolved to do so a strange peace and reassurance overcame me. While I certainly don't know if I will get a job, I know at least Father is with me.

This begs the question in my mind as to why I find it easy to trust God in many of these situations, but I somehow am unable to trust God in His promise of peace and joy in sacrificing my desires to Him. The pattern is there for me to learn from, yet, I find myself still unwilling to trust God with my desires for men. Does trusting Him imply that I will be healed or made straight? Absolutely not. rather for me trusting Him in this matter means never experiencing a healthy relationship with a man. This is a desire I seem unwillingly to give up, somehow thinking that the fulfillment from that relationship is something that God cannot offer. Silly, I know. But still I insist on my distrust.

However, this experience of unemployment has driven me to my knees, and allowed me to approach Father in a more humble fashion (though I'm still angry), but, at least, I am talking with Him. In ten days I will decide again whether or not I will choose to remain in the church, but for now I am doing my best to be committed.

Oh yeah, one last thing, I run my first half marathon on Saturday - 13.1 miles here I come. I decided today that I will run a full marathon before June 2012.