For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

General Conference

I looked with some hopeful anticipation to General Conference and perhaps to some healing balm. While the deep questions remain, the edges of those gordian questions, however seem to have become slightly frayed.

I've realized that while it makes no sense to my gay friends and other friends who are not members of the church, and liberal Mormon friends why I stay in the church, I stay because deep within me there yearns something Godly. Deep within, there is eternity.

Yet, the implications of that realization are difficult to contemplate. First, that admission brings with it a desire to "repent." That desire to repent is not limited solely to my correcting my errant behavior, but rather adopting and internalizing a new way of seeing myself, others, and God - a fresh view to borrow from the Bible dictionary - what that means is an alignment with God's view of me.

The implication then of repenting of my sins, is also really a tacit decision to refrain from any homosexual relationships, and a tacit commitment to not act on those natural feelings. But moreover, it is also a tacit acceptance of my potential singlehood in the church, and that means a measure of loneliness. Repentance for me has now taken on a new dimension, that is, I am now trying to rely completely on the Savior to help me mourn a life not lived, a life hoped for but never attainable.

General Conference was depressing and highly discouraging. But I left Conference with some degree of confidence that I can be single and celibate today, afterall, today counts more than tomorrow in the economy of Heaven.

No comments:

Post a Comment