Resentments

Resentments can be fatal. I realize I harbor many resents. I try to push them aside and minimize how they affect me, my relationship with others and God. Yet, it's these resentments that drive down my self-esteem, that impinge on my ability to see myself a child of God worth all that Heaven has to offer.

I'm incredibly resentful of others because...
1. they are smarter than me
2. they are fun
3. they are successful
4. they are faithful
5. they are level-headed
6. they are confident with who they are
7. they are happy
8. they are better looking
9. they are desirable by others
10. they have friends
11. they are disciplined
12. they are hard working

...And so on.

These resentments are aimed at various groups of people I know intimately and others that I simply observe from a distance. These resentments are debilitating and are an incessant presence (and lie) telling me that I am not "good enough."

I am so broken that I believe the lie - the empirical evidence suggests that is so. I resent them for the things they do well, for who they are. As a result I have trouble relating to them, I have trouble being truly present with them, because I resent them. I have trouble being myself.

But the problem is I have nurtured these resentments for so long that I'm not sure who "myself" really is. Slowly, but surely, I am coming to find out who I am, and much to my surprise I like what I'm finding. I'm coming to realize that I am smart, I am kind, I am disciplined, and so forth. Despite that, I continue to insist on dwelling in the world of resentments.

I am a confident wonderful man, not a bad person getting good, but a sick person getting better.