For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Friday, October 14, 2011

The universe and broken things

Today, I was talking with a good friend of mine. He's a theologian at the school I'm at (he is not Mormon). As we talked about my numerous dilemmas, he simply pointed out to me that the universe has a mechanism for fixing mistakes - that what I do will not destroy the universe. I liked that idea. Often, I get lost in the doctrinal elements of the atonement - what he said makes sense. The atonement is that mechanism for fixing mistakes.

This mechanism comes in many forms. This last month has been really hard for me. It seems I'm moving quickly towards a bottom - I thought I hit rock bottom, but things I've done suggest otherwise. As a result, I've come to feel like just giving up on the church completely and withdrawing myself from the reach of God. I read the other day the creation narrative in the book of Moses. Two things struck me:

1) In chapter 2, God divided the light from the darkness on an earth without form and void. I couldn't help but think that I am at that place. I feel that my life is without form and void; an encouraging thought then flashed across my mind - "if I just keep trying, God will divide the light from the darkness in my life." Right now, things seem terribly dark. I hope light comes.

2) In chapter 3, God says to Jesus, "that it was not good that the man should be alone." As I reflected on that sentiment, I realized that God was saying something more than simply Adam needs to get married and have kids; rather He was saying it's not good to be alone. While I may not marry in this life, God still does not want me to be alone. There is a God-sized hole in my soul that yearns for companionship. God can fill that yearning. I have to believe that. But I walked away from that scripture study comforted, knowing that God does not want me to be alone. He wants me to have companionship (the form of that companionship is unclear to me, but he wants it for me).

Both of these realizations simply highlighted the fact that I feel intensely lonely. As my therapist suggested the other day, "you can be alone today." And so I can. Incidentally, he also recommended that I take a break from meeting with my Bishop who said to me "Obedience to the commandments will lead you to a restored feeling...and enable you to develop appropriate relationships with both genders...appropriate relationships with the appropriate gender can deepen and can develop into something more over time." The subtext, of course, is that he thinks if I'm obedient then somehow I'll develop appropriate sexual feelings for women. My therapist simply told me, this is not the sort of advice I need at this time and is having the opposite effect - it agitates my addiction. And it has.

So now I move forward one hour at a time, hoping God is with me and that the mechanism the universe has to fix broken things works.

1 comment:

  1. Your bishop is flat-out wrong. It's clear that he knows nothing about homosexuality. He is an untrustworthy advisor and your therapist was right to tell you to skip a session. In fact, if that's going to be your bishop's approach, you should skip all further sessions with him because they will only do damage. It sounds like you are recognizing that.