Recently, I've been thinking much about why there is so much friction in my soul about my place in the church. I realized that friction is the result of the eternal fact that my identity at its most fundamental spiritual level is heterosexual (for all intents and purposes) and that my most fundamental mortal identity is homosexual. Thus, these two truths about myself conflict, thus causing anguish in my soul.
The fact that my sex drive is toward the same sex therefore causes much shame and therefore even more despair about my place in the church. John Bradshaw writes, "Our sexual energy (libido) is our own unique incarnation of the life force itself. To have our sex drive shamed is to be shamed at the core."
This is a story of a gay mormon man struggling to find God. *The posts are honest and real, as such some posts may be for mature readers. I do this not to re-live the past, but to be sure that I am honest with myself and with God, in an attempt to truly "see" my weakness.
For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.
- Mosiah 3:19
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