Fathering

This past week I went back home to visit my parents. Overall it was a good trip, salubrious even. I felt present with my parents for the first time, feeling like I had to hide nothing from them. Though, I could sense they wanted to talk with me, but did not know how to start the conversation. I, too, wanted to talk with them. Though we've been open on the phone, there is something a bit different about being face-to-face. Nonetheless, it was a pleasant experience for them and for me.

As I was saying goodbye and headed out the door, my father called me to his room. He was changing into his suit (he's the Bishop and was headed to the church to conduct a baptism), and said in a very firm, loving, and somewhat chastising tone, to be careful...that living alone would only make things harder before they get easier. What struck me most was the tone my father used, it reminded me of the scripture in D&C 121:43 "reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy.” My father at that moment was the personification of this scripture. His tone was filled with firmness, reprovement, sharpness, love, concern, and sadness. Afterwards he hugged me and told me to be careful.

I was shaken by his words (however brief). I came to sense for a moment the sadness my Heavenly Father must feel for me, not because I'm gay, but because I have violated moral covenants, because I violated my own integrity.

Last night I shared my first step with a GLBTQI addiction support group. As I read my first step and afterwards received kind and loving comments and support from fellow addicts, I realized that the only person I wanted to be around was my father. I wanted him near me. While I was physically present, I was detached, lost in my emotions about my father. All those loving words could not equal the love my father showed me in a brief 30-second conversation. I realized I missed him deeply.

I did not realize the depths of my emotions for, and the level of intimacy I had with my father. I do not have the same relationship with my mother. I've tried, but something is missing. I'm grateful to have him in my life, and grateful to be the recipient of his prayers and love.