Future Tripping

At least twice a week, the reality of the commitment I'm trying to make to my Heavenly Father weighs me down with an intense sadness and mourning of a life I will never have.

Monday night I had a dream that I was in a relationship with a man (I did not know who he was). The dream was not erotic in any way, but was filled with all the things my soul yearns for - intimacy, love, vulnerability, trust, inter-dependency, and healthy touch. This man in my dreams (I suppose now the man of my dreams) never said a word, but simply leaned into me for safety, warmth, and love. I woke from that dream excited with the prospect of finding a partner. But that "dream life" was quickly dashed as I sat up and saw my scriptures at my bedside - the reality of my life is singlehood, perhaps sometime in the future I will see it as a blessing...perhaps.

If I did not know God was real and if I did not have this emerging trust and dependence on Jesus Christ, it would make sense for me to leave. The other night I was talking with a couple of friends from the gay support group I attend, one simply said how courageous they thought I was to try to remain in the church; the other said I was crazy to try to live a life of celibacy, but conveyed his love and said, "If that's what you want, I'll support you."

This took me by surprise. First, because I realized I had gay friends. And two, these gay friends who've been very vocal in their opposition to any institution that inflicts "spiritual violence," once they got to know me and the deep respect I have for God and the church, were willing to support me in my "silly" experiment.

I'm thankful to God for such friends. They enable my willingness to put one foot in front of the other on my way to Moriah.

I still have no word on my Disciplinary Council. My Bishop says it won't happen until I'm ready. I leave it to him to decide when I'm ready, as I'm beginning to see and trust the priesthood keys he holds - that's been hard given what he's said to me about my circumstances. Perhaps simply another test from God - why does God always want to test me? I suppose it's good, because I'm slowly learning that God is in charge and can be seen even a midst the imperfection of his servants. I suppose this is what God was trying to teach me.

I'm a slow learner. But I eventually catch on.

So today, I take another step toward Moriah.