For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Monday, August 1, 2011

Euphoric Recall

As a sex addict, I'm coming to realize how important it is for me to control what I do with my thoughts. The reality is I am powerless over my actions when I start thinking about what I did with others.

Eleven weeks ago this weekend was the last time I engaged in sexual relations with another man. He was 19. I know, I know. As I tried to work on my research this weekend, however I yearned for his touch...his body. It was pure lust and it was sufficient to get me completely distracted and made my weekend difficult. Images of his body flashed through my mind; I allowed myself to sit back and relive that experience, but for a short period, and I caught myself.

I talked about it with others in my addiction recovery program; I made phone calls (it seemed every hour) to be sure I did not get back on Craigslist to find someone to act out with or contact the guy I last acted out with. It was difficult.

Perhaps there is a correlation between that and a growing conviction of my need for the Savior. I had been having trouble understanding my need to call on Jesus as a Savior figure; if God was so powerful (omnipotent), why could he not perform the atonement by himself? I feel I have an answer to the latter question, and this weekend I made headway on the former. Perhaps. Perhaps. My recognition of needing the Savior is tied to the flood of euphoric recall all weekend. I'm not sure.

But this weekend, without my recovery program I would have had another anonymous encounter. I survived and am thankful to good people who allowed me make healthy connections.

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