For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Friday, August 19, 2011

Being Gay is a let down....

So I've been feeling grateful. Since sharing my first step, I feel that all the deepest and darkest things of my life have now had light shed on them. Some people are quick to say it's the light of Christ - but I'll back away from that and just say, my secrets are no longer secrets. They no longer debilitate my sense of self-worth and confidence. I am able to be honest and present with people I meet, and for the first time, I feel like I am not hiding anything from myself or others.

I've been meeting with potential roommates this past week. I've been living with my nephew and he is ready to leave on his mission. I'll miss him. I was excited to live alone again, but quickly realized that where I am in recovering from my addiction, living alone would not be a good idea. Anyhow, as I've been meeting with these guys, I've felt (as noted above) that I was able to be honestly present and feel like I was not holding anything back, I did not feel like I was hiding - that I had to hide anything about me.

The first potential roommate came in and we talked, he checked out my apartment and the room. As we talked to get a sense of compatibility, I said, "I'm gay and Mormon." There was a little apprehension when I said it, but it came out easy and it felt natural, real, and honest. This was the first time I told a stranger that I was gay. I was expecting something dramatic, something large, something grand, something that would consume my senses and I would have a feeling...of what? I'm not sure. As soon as it dropped from my lips, he said, " does the place have a dishwasher?"

It was a let down, but in a good way. Usually when I tell members of the church who know me well, the first thing they say is "Wow. That must be such a tremendous burden..." or something along those lines. Here, this guy acknowledged it and accepted it, as he blithely asked if there was a dishwasher.

That blithe attitude was fulfilling, it was accepting and affirming.

I told Father about that experience and later felt a strong impression (again) that Father also acknowledges and affirms me as His gay son, but expects me to honor my covenants. Yesterday morning as I wrote in my journal, I felt a strong impression in connection with that expectation, that for me, he wants me to honor those covenants, "when you're ready" to use the words in that impression.

So I'm happy and I'm authentically present and content, slowly making progress (to what, I'm not sure).

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