For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Monday, August 15, 2011


After eight months in the program and 8 months of grueling work, I finally gave away my first step this past Saturday morning. It was an exhilarating and cathartic experience. All my deepest and most shameful secrets and thoughts I shared with a group of 35 straight men. If you'd like a copy of my first step, please ask and I'll gladly email it to you.

After I finished, I felt a burden lift. These secrets and shame that have debilitated my conscious, my confidence, and my sense of self-worth for so long, I gave away. I released them. While there's still a lot of work to do around them, the burden of these secrets is now bearable. I can lift my head up in honesty. I can see myself and love myself.

The guys in the room, not Mormon and not gay, responded to my stories of powerlessness in my fantasies and my acting out with guys with intense love and compassion. I was overwhelmed. Each one of them affirmed me, hugged me and told me how much they love and appreciate me. I felt safe and accepted. They told me they are there for me as I continue the journey of radical self-acceptance.

I thought, if only my Elder's Quorum was that accepting and had fraternal bonds like this, I might be more excited to go to church and mingle with the church members.

I went to church on Sunday, feeling incredibly liberated and closer to God than I've ever felt, but church was so routine, it felt disconnected from anything spiritual. So I played solitaire on my phone, still basking in the freedom that full and honest disclosure brings.

I am happy. God loves me and I love Him!


  1. Enduring,
    I'm so glad to hear of your experience. I attended my first SA meeting last week as well and had a similar reaction from the group. I would appreciate sharing your story.

    All my best on your journey,

  2. Awesome!! I know that feeling - it cannot be adequately described.