For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.
- Mosiah 3:19
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
This morning I went on a run with a friend. We talked about many things, my friend then asked how I was doing in relation to finding peace with being gay. Honestly the fact that she referred to me as gay was and still is uncomfortable. I then told her of my epiphany of coming to accept me for who I am. While I recognize that being sexually attracted to men does not define my entire existence, it is nonetheless a powerful factor that shapes how I see the world and interact therein. I then explained to her that it's hard coming to accept myself as a "gay man." Uttering that was difficult. I suppose that's the point Carl Rogers was making when he wrote: "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."
This seems to be consistent with how King Lamoni's father reacted to Aaron's message, "I will give away all my sins to know thee...," or Paul finally accepting the thorn in his side. These, as well as many others, illustrate an implicit acceptance of things as they are, in that moment of acceptance then real change can occur.
I'm not implying in any way that once I accept all that being gay implies then I can change that sexuality, rather what I'm coming to see is that once I accept myself just as I am, then I will be able to re-turn to God with full purpose of heart. And sacrifice my desires and longings for a committed relationship with a man.
But that is still in the future, presently, I still feel discomfort referring to myself as a gay man. Alas, the shame still covers me.