I went to church and honestly was miserable. I tried to be happy, but simply felt miserable. The three hour block could not have been any longer, but I endured. I stayed, and tried to be attentive. But alas, I was not happy there. I read the pamphlet "God loveth his children," and found myself angered by it. This prompted me to recall the blessing of my heart of stone, so I did a quick study of how that term has/is used. Being hard-hearted in my case seems to be about steeping in doubt.
While I acknowledge God the Father and even recognize there may be power in the atonement, I continue to doubt the atonement's ability to heal me, or simply give me to strength to endure and to make me happy. It seems I have been left alone for so long that I can no longer feel that divine influence, hence the doubt!
I went on a date with this guy on Friday - it was a nice evening. No sex, no touching, just a good old fashioned date: dinner and movie and good conversation and brief hug at the end. This got me thinking that if I really want the atonement to work, I have to be willing to completely turn away in both thought and deed from the desires of my heart. I recognize the logical and doctrinal necessity, yet, I don't feel willing to let it go. In short, I doubt the power of the atonement.
I suppose now is the time to simply pray for the desire and willingness to yield. AUGHHHH! Time to get back on my knees!
What if the problem has nothing to do with whether the atonement works or not? What if the reason you feel no power in church doctrine about atonement is a different issue from whether or not there is power in the atonement?
ReplyDeleteYou cannot pray the desires of the natural man away. I've tried and it doesn't work. I know plenty of others who verify this, as well.
Rather I have to have something on which to base faith that stirs me to exercise my will away from natural desires.
The organized church .... how to be fair and polite... is a form of religion that lacks power for a number of reasons.
My take, for sure, so chalk this up as a random comment from a random blogger.
I will offer what bits of consolation and support I can. I've been following for a bit. Also a PhD candidate, Mormon, and gay.
ReplyDeleteThere was a point in my life in which every Sunday I would fall into bed after church so drained I couldn't eat or do anything for several hours.
I had to find my own solutions. The more I see people truly happy inside and outside the church, the more I feel a magic bullet, one-size-fits-all solution simply doesn't exist. As a missionary, my challenges to investigators were simple:
Make a change in your life for a few days or weeks. Listen to yourself and if you are happier, wiser, healthier, etc. consider making it a lifelong change. I'm glad I ended up taking that advice at that point in my life.