Thoughts

How easy it is for the natural man to appeal to the basest desires! As I take a road trip, this morning I found myself viewing facebook pages gay mormon couples. As I looked at the pictures of these couples together: they look happy.

In my mind I start thinking, "what is so wrong with that?" My mind and desires start wandering. I desire to find a partner, to "be happy," "to express my 'true' identity." I then find myself wanting to return to my old self, which I am still trying to put off.

I am still struggling to find myself. I desire to be found worthy of my God, but at the same time I desire God to allow me the experience of being with a man I love. I feel damned if I do either. But the reality is I will only be damned if I do one of them.

I have to convince myself that is the case, I easily forget the power of God, I easily forget His love, and all the things He has done for the children of men. It is hard for me to retain a remembrance.

Some days I wish I would've never been born in the church so I could be who my body tells me I am. I suppose, like right now. What keeps me from not leaving is the love my mind has for God; I think rationally about what I know to be true. The foundational premise upon which I build my life, and upon I stay in the church is that singular experience I had in the mission. To this day it continues to save me and shape my life.

But I am weak. I desire to view pornography. This morning I woke up to a tent staring at me, I wanted so much to "release," but didn't. Last night, I kept thinking "what harm would there be in checking out Craigslist?" I didn't. But the natural man desires so much. I suppose that's the hard part of putting off the natural man, he has been "put" into place by years of my nurturing, now it is hard to remove him from his place, especially when I am not really certain what to replace him with.

There are still emails I have yet to delete. I keep thinking about them, why is it so hard? I rationalize that "just in case, I might want to look at that cute guys picture?" For what? If I trying to repent and completely turn away from these things, why would I do that? But it is hard.

I keep thinking how hard it would be for me to have to stand before the Stake President and re-count my tale; but what scares me even more is if he asks for a disciplinary council. The shame and embarrassment that will bring. I understand its purpose, but my pride makes me afraid. For some years these men have thought I was so righteous; now I come before them to tell them I paid three young guys at different times to masturbate for me. The last one I touched. I have to tell them that before I was masturbating with others via webcam. I have to tell them that for ten years I have struggled with an addiction to pornography and masturbation. I have to tell them that for ten years, I have continually broken the law of chastity and violated my covenants. I have to tell them that for ten years I have participated in sacred rites of the priesthood un-worthily. I have to tell them that for ten years I have lied to myself, to them, and the to the Lord. I have to tell them these things and it is painful, scary, embarrassing, and shameful.

I don't want to, but I will.

I desire to be changed, I desire to be a new man. I desire to put off the natural man and become a saint through the atonement.