For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.
- Mosiah 3:19
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Last night I played with fire and was burned.
I am not sure why I thought I was strong enough to view soft porn, as if this would not lead to other things. I suppose since I had been doing that for a few days, my defenses were already down.
The soft porn aroused those powerful emotions; the natural man wanted more. This led to harder porn and eventually masturbation. It had been nearly seven weeks since I last engaged with this practice. I feel terrible. But I suppose this is the process of change, being able to fully turn away may have some falls along the way.
Right now the emotions are still powerful. Somehow, I knew that my relationship with God was stifled, perhaps because of my clouded mind. I was thinking and contemplating how to sin; I was beginning to labor in sin. I need to learn how to adequately place controls in my mind.
I feel horrible. How easy this starts. I started by looking at online profiles of guys without shirts. This then led to soft core porn of male underwear models. This led to youtube videos of guys kissing. This led to youtube videos of guys doing more. This then led to sites hosting videos. This happened over the course of four days. I installed an internet filter to help me in my progress.
I am not sure what is seeking this behavior. Perhaps it is stress or something else. I have to keep reminding myself that it took 19 years to train the natural man, it cannot be undone in a matter of seven weeks. But yet, I also feel that I have the strength.
Perhaps that is the problem, I continue to think that I can do this; I need to truly learn how to give my life and problems over to Heaven. I am struggling with how to do this.
I am attempting to "see" my weakness so that I might be made strong. I suppose that part of seeing the weakness is adequately identifying the patterns that lead me to my behavior, but more than that getting to the underlying motivation.
I want sex so bad. I want to touch another guy so very bad. I suppose that my desires still need to be changed. But how do I adequately give my sins away? How do I access the power of the atonement?
I suppose the question then is why do I want sex with another guy? And would that take away my desire to masturbate and view pornography? To the second question, I am certain it is no, but it may diminish it. As for the first question, I am not sure.
Why do I want sex with another man? I am attracted to the male physical form. It excites me physically. Right now, my thoughts of sex are with men; my thoughts of a family and life are with a woman. But that still does not address the question. I recognize that I am attracted to men; this is a part of my mortal identity that shapes my eternal identity. I can say this, but I hope to believe it soon.
I am gay, but I am also a son of God. Being attracted to the same sex is my lot. The physical desires are a part of the natural man. I am a prideful man. I think I can do things on my own. While I pray for strength, I am not sincere about it. I am not approaching Heaven with a broken heart and contrite spirit. The past few days I may have been approaching with feigned contrition, enough to fool me.
Well not exactly, I knew it was not there. I suppose in those moments I continue making the right choices. God trusts me, why do I not trust him? He trusts that I can make the right decisions, He needs me to consistently make the right decisions to know that I can change. He does this for me. He changes me slowly because I need to know how hard it is to change, to truly "see" my weakness in the struggle.
I need to trust God, because He trusts me.