I am a weak man.
For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.
- Mosiah 3:19
Monday, August 9, 2010
I am a weak man.
Last night I had a dream that I kissed a man. It was exciting.
I often wonder if my dreams will also condemn me. Perhaps if I simply don't dwell on them.
I am not sure.
The kiss was electric and has been on my mind.
When I woke up this morning I did my morning routine and then checked email and the like. While on the internet, the natural man aroused by that dream easily took me to a male modeling site. There I told myself I was simply admiring the male form. However, it was easy for me to notice that I was not simply admiring, rather I was lusting.
I reasoned that this is how it begins. These somewhat benign sites easily transition into sites with more content - and more skin. "This is how it starts," I told myself. I turned my browser toward Mormon Messages on Youtube. However, as I typed in Mormon, I quickly became fascinated with the debates on atheism.
I had known of Richard Dawkins and have even read some of what he had written. I remain unconvinced of his approach and of his reasoning. However, for brief moments, strands of his argument were compelling. I could be the natural man and be subject to no God for my actions. However, the power of the Spirit of God is real, it cannot be mistaken for a "frenzied mind."
It seems the adversary is doing his best to find anyway into my mind, to keep my from the path I am on. It is hard, I can imagine it getting harder. I fear that one night, I will give in to, not the fact that there is no God, but rather that I will be over-powered by the rationalizing of the natural man. I will again touch the "unclean thing." This I fear.
I pray for the strength I need put off the natural man. I pray for the grace of God to change my very desires. Right now I feel vulnerable, but I must re-gain strength and stand firm against the adversary, but moreover, stand firm against the natural man.
I must be able to put him off.
My Bishop tells me that I may need to stand before a disciplinary council of some sort. I am paralyzed with fear at the very thought, it is agonizing to think of this. I hope it may not be, but I pray for the strength to accept whatever the Lord sees fit to "inflict" upon me.
I am weak right now, the natural man desires so much for self-gratification. But I pray for the strength to resist, but also for the power of the atonement to change my very desires.
I hope I can survive until tomorrow.