Temptations

I am a weak man.

Last night I had a dream that I kissed a man. It was exciting.

I often wonder if my dreams will also condemn me. Perhaps if I simply don't dwell on them.

I am not sure.

The kiss was electric and has been on my mind.

When I woke up this morning I did my morning routine and then checked email and the like. While on the internet, the natural man aroused by that dream easily took me to a male modeling site. There I told myself I was simply admiring the male form. However, it was easy for me to notice that I was not simply admiring, rather I was lusting.

I reasoned that this is how it begins. These somewhat benign sites easily transition into sites with more content - and more skin. "This is how it starts," I told myself. I turned my browser toward Mormon Messages on Youtube. However, as I typed in Mormon, I quickly became fascinated with the debates on atheism.

I had known of Richard Dawkins and have even read some of what he had written. I remain unconvinced of his approach and of his reasoning. However, for brief moments, strands of his argument were compelling. I could be the natural man and be subject to no God for my actions. However, the power of the Spirit of God is real, it cannot be mistaken for a "frenzied mind."

It seems the adversary is doing his best to find anyway into my mind, to keep my from the path I am on. It is hard, I can imagine it getting harder. I fear that one night, I will give in to, not the fact that there is no God, but rather that I will be over-powered by the rationalizing of the natural man. I will again touch the "unclean thing." This I fear.

I pray for the strength I need put off the natural man. I pray for the grace of God to change my very desires. Right now I feel vulnerable, but I must re-gain strength and stand firm against the adversary, but moreover, stand firm against the natural man.

I must be able to put him off.

My Bishop tells me that I may need to stand before a disciplinary council of some sort. I am paralyzed with fear at the very thought, it is agonizing to think of this. I hope it may not be, but I pray for the strength to accept whatever the Lord sees fit to "inflict" upon me.

I am weak right now, the natural man desires so much for self-gratification. But I pray for the strength to resist, but also for the power of the atonement to change my very desires.

I hope I can survive until tomorrow.