For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Thursday, September 30, 2010


There is still no word on the Disciplinary Council, but that's OK with me. Last night I attended my recovery group meeting; the men there are amazing. I always feel that I am no measuring up, but at the same time feel their support.

I have been struggling with trying to figure out how to trust God; I'm not sure what this is/was so hard for me. But it is.

The past few weeks have had their challenges. I had installed Covenant eyes on my computer. There are a couple of things I realized about myself: 1) I did not realize what I would do to try to access porn. This was a scary realization. I tried to circumvent the program, but it didn't work, then I went to the university library and tried downloading porn onto a thumb drive or email it myself, to get around the program. I was successful at this scheming. After it was done, and I completed my use of it, I though to myself "what the heck are you doing?" I realized then, that if I didn't try to trust God and truly give my life over, who knows what other things I would do. It has been over a week and I feel in a stronger position.

The second thing I learned about myself, well it's more of an epiphany of sorts, I learned that my previous notion of perfect behavior equals trust in God was a misnomer. I was reading in the seventh chapter of Mosiah, about Limhi's excitement about the prospects of being free from the Lamanites. There Limhi made a statement that stung me to my core: "I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made." I realized then, though my behavior was not perfect, I could still trust God - because there remaineth and effectual struggle to be made. I think I am coming to trust God, even though I do not understand.

I am resolved again to immerse myself in the gospel so that I might be changed, and I trust that though I may not notice it, a change will occur.

1 comment:

  1. Profond realizations. I can almost feel the inner peace your faith is beginning to provide.