Partners, Significant Others, and Me

I realized the other day (it's amazing to me how clear my thinking gets when I gain even a bit of healthy sobriety), that the loneliness I feel is really about me trying to get others to fill a void in me that ostensibly can be filled by me and God.

In the church we often toss around the phrase, "Heavenly Father loves you." I think there are people who have allowed that to settle deep in their hearts and to penetrate their souls. And for others I think it's simply a phrase that has become void of meaning, but simply saying it affirms something to them about the veracity of their faith and their righteousness. In other words, for the latter, I think they tend not to fully comprehend what that means nor the power that it has. I used to be (and to a large degree) am one of the latter. But I catch glimpses of the profundity of that love.

The other day, as I was giving myself some self-care (i.e. speaking kindly to myself), I then offered a prayer. I told Father that I think He knows that my mind is (at least at the moment) open to the possibility of finding a partner. I thought I'd receive some absence of feeling, but all I received was a feeling of deep understanding and care. It seemed to say, "I know." I think Father was telling me that He respects my agency and understands more than I do why I am where I am, and that He does not condemn me for it. But that "I know" response did not come with a release from the implications or consequences of violating His law. It's difficult to explain, but it was simply that Father acknowledged that that is where I am, and He understands that. That feeling was calming and reassuring to me.

As I come more and more to understand Father, I also am coming more and more to realize that I try to use others to fill the void in me. Because there is a part of me that feels lonely, I think it's another person's responsibility to make me not feel lonely. This is crazy talk! Yet, I put the responsibility on others to take care of my loneliness. The reality is that responsibility is mine. I can go from loneliness to solitude. But that is a matter of self-care, a matter of not abandoning myself.

This morning, as I was journaling about my obsessing over an individual and why that person has not done what I want to make me feel whole, I arrested my thought pattern and told myself, "It's not his responsibility to make you feel happy. You are fine. You are loved. I love you." At that point, I realized perhaps for the first time that I am not alone. That God is really with me. He is with me, because God loves me. That truth slowly percolated down to my soul. Heavenly Father does indeed love me and that love means He cares for me, that I am worth the time and energy and love of the creator of the Universe and of all things. What an awesome thought. This being who can create worlds without number, loves me, and because he loves me, I am never alone.

Sure partners, significant others and so on can help one feel more alive, and I hope one day to experience that joy. But I can be single and not be alone. Father taught me this today. And for that I am, dare I say, happy? Indeed, happy and content. Hopeful even.