For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Moments of Sanity

Last night I had a moment of sanity. I just returned home from one of my twelve step meetings, had a long talk with my sponsor on a relapse prevention plan, and have been having healthy connections with people, it was then I received a text message from a guy (I met) who wanted to come over watch a movie and cuddle. Sounds silly, I know. But the prospect of being held by someone, being able to feel vulnerable in their arms is ecstatic. I initially replied, "sure." But I had just come home from a great meeting and all.

I waited for a reply and then simply explained, it wasn't going to work, and bid him farewell. I went to bed sober and woke up sober.

But it's precisely the cumulative force of small discrete moments of sanity such as these that bring sobriety. A freedom, really, from compulsive behavior. I am relieved, despite how stressed I am with my research, the prospect of not having funding in the fall, and other things that vie for my time. I'm grateful, I'm sober today.

Today, the 22 year old (I'll call Tom)  moves away from Seattle. I'm a little sad by that - he's been very good for me. We are supposed to have lunch today, I'm looking forward to that. At the end of the night, when we last were out together, he gave me a long hug, something he's never done before. Obviously, I'm feeling something, otherwise I wouldn't be dwelling on it. As I struggle to fit this into the larger doctrinal paradigm, I can't. While I know Father knows that I'm open to finding a relationship with a man, Father also knows that deep within my breast, I'm not able to deconstruct or obviate the profound truths of the doctrine, I was so privileged to experience in a singular ineffable experience over 13 years ago. It is precisely this where there is no reconciling, at that point it is a dichotomous choice.

Yet, the amazing part of that is that Father and even the Savior understand better than I do why I would contemplate perhaps for a time moving forward with finding a male partner. While I recognize they do not condone the behavior, they understand my desire (better than I do), and that is compassion!

And so with some sadness that I will not see the Tom much anymore, we have planned some activities to do together over the summer when he is back in Seattle, I hope to work on being OK in loneliness and solitude. In the meantime, I will work on recovery and sobriety and really work on Step Three of the Twelve Steps: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." How incredibly difficult! My sponsor, gay and atheist, has done so. If he can, I hope I can.

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