I don't really know what or where I'm going anymore. Deep down there's a conviction that burns, but not hot enough, to bring me a sense of purpose. I realized the other day that I'm afraid and angry with God.
Why? In part because I know what I am doing is wrong, but I feel no power to stop. I'm angry because I can't sense His power in helping me stop. I'm angry with Him, because I feel abandoned by God. I can't seem to align my will with His. Yet, I continually try to find relief and respite in the haven of theorizing and thought experiments, as if intellectualizing the foundational elements of the ontology of Heaven I can tell God how to make room for His gay children in the Heavenly order. What presumption! What arrogance! What fear of surrender!
I decided I would re-start a practice I have since long abandoned. When I was missionary I picked up a habit that persisted for several years after the mission, despite the turmoil I went through. I read the Book of Mormon 12 times as a missionary, in my study, I would ask myself, "How does this bring me closer to the Savior?" after each verse. I would ponder on that question until I could make the connection between each verse or passage. Somehow this brought me intellectually to the knees of my Creator.
I continue to resist surrender. But I hope this small steps signify at least willingness to be a part of the economy of heaven.
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