I am not sure of things anymore. I recently realized that I do not know who God is. I do not know who I am. All I know is that there is a part of me that wants sex; a part of me that wants a longing connection to a man. Perhaps not in that order, perhaps both at the same time. I am not certain.
Attending meetings for my addictions has been helpful. Things I thought I was certain of, I am not longer certain of. I thought I knew who God was, but the more I reflect on it, the less I know who He really is. This stems, in part, from my own distorted relationship with Him. I first started my sexual deviance when I was about 11 or 12; that never really relented. Now twenty years later, I struggle to gain or admit that I have no control, and surrender myself to God. Yet, that twenty year struggle messed up my own perception of myself, my perception of who God is, and of my relationships with others. I slowly unplugged myself from reality, finding repose in my own reality. A reality that I constructed, ever so carefully, to maintain the illusion of control, the illusion of certainty, the illusion of confidence, the illusion of me.
As I sit the meetings, talking with, frankly more experienced people, I am coming to realize that I have no strength, that I have no confidence. I am nothing. Yet, that is the point, right? That is what I am to realize. I am not the person I thought I was. I am not the confident person I project myself to others, nor am I the person lacking in self-confidence, with low self-esteem. Rather, I am nothing. This is reality that is hard to accept. With nothing, comes increasing uncertainty, of who I am, of what I am, of where I am going, of what I am supposed to be and believe in.
God is somewhere. I believe that, or at least tell myself that. Being gay is a small part of who I am, but being nothing is more. Being nothing means I give up control, recognize that I am indeed powerless over myself. It is realizing that I am powerless over the natural man. Being nothing, means I realize that I, of my own power and will can do nothing to overcome the natural man.
While, this makes intellectual sense, I am afraid to admit it. I am afraid of being nothing. I am afraid of taking the step in the darkness. I am afraid of uncertainty. Yet, that is precisely what I need to progress. I need to be completely uncertain of myself. I need to let go of all the efforts I make to control my environment, to control me.
Sure, I want a partner. But at the moment, I am not sure why. Is it for God's will or my own? But the point is I don't know God nor his will. Will I ever? As I step into the unknown, the uncertain; I come to know. I come to feel His will. I believe that's how it works. But I am afraid.
I'm afraid of uncertainty!
Fear is a tool that Satan likes to use on us. When we have fear we allow Satan to control us. We don't do what we are supposed to do because we fear. Why do so many people avoid the Bishop? Fear, the replacement for fear is trust. We need to trust God, realize that he is our Father and that he created us. Realize that he knows exactly who each one of us are. He can see who we can become and what we can do with our lives, but we must trust him. He is a Father who loves us, wants what is best for us. We may very well all be nothing when left to ourselves, but when we take God's hand and trust him, then we begin a journey. That journey is one where he makes us into something, someone. The journey refines us and prepares us to be like God. He knows your divine heritage and he will help you get there. First you must trust, recognize that you are something and someone in God's eyes and Satan wants you to forget that. If you forget that, then God doesn't matter or his plan. It matters not what you do or don't do in this life, that is why Satan wants you to forget. Learning about who you are in this mortal realm is part of the journey. You will find you have many weaknesses and strengths. Then you have the opportunity to overcome them with the help of Christ. Next you will realize that your power and strength comes from God and is a gift. As you continue to follow God your power and strength will grow. But the question remains, do you and will you trust God?
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