For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Monday, February 21, 2011

Not knowing

The past two weeks have been somewhat of a roller coaster ride. I've gone to the apex and to the nadir in my emotional state, confidence, self-esteem, and knowledge of "truth."

At the moment, I am simply coasting along - a plateau, if you will. I've come to realize that I really don't know what it is I want. People will inevitably tell me: "You're a child of God," "You know what's right, You want heaven," "God loves you," "Just have faith and God will lead you."

The first set of comments presumes they know what I want. It presumes a foundation of faith that I don't think I necessarily have or is woefully weak. I'm not sure what it means to be a child of God. Certainly, I can rattle off the numerous expositions by prophets and apostles both ancient and contemporary. I can explain the theological and ontological significance of it all, I can even cause the hairs on the back of one's neck to stand straight up as I do. All this intellectual knowledge DOES NOT mean I have that experiential knowledge. If I do, it's very weak. I acknowledge this.

Yesterday, the opening hymn in priesthood was "I am a child of God." The third verse of that hymn reads "If I but learn to do his will / I'll live with him someday..."I realized again, that the understanding of truth and application of truth are two different things. And that for progress they must work in tandem. It's not a matter of me not understanding the truth, rather at this moment it's a matter of applying the truth - or in other words "learning to do his will."

I fear I do not have the courage or faith to do his will. I fear I do not have the faith to apply the truth connected to being a child of God. Last night as I talked with a dear friend of mine about my struggle, he noted that I had already made up my mind. He said, "I can hear in your voice. You've already decided to leave." I resisted this, because I could not accept it. He went on and said very boldly, very clearly and with much authority (as he has known me for many many years) "If you walk away, you will never come back. You know this and I know this. If you walk away, no matter what you say or think, you'll never come back." I tried to fight this line of reasoning, but it was to no avail. I accepted it. It is true.

He explained that I knew what the truth was and is. And I do. I understand it, but because of my weakness I do not want to apply the truth. In part, because I know what applying the truth means. It means that I turn completely away from the thoughts of a life with a man. It means that I will never have a part of me fulfilled, that I think needs fulfillment. It means, I sacrifice these things and the desires of my life in a loving relationship (with a man) to God. It means, I sacrifice myself and who I think I am at this moment to God. It means taking that step in the dark. It means becoming someone else. It means changing. This is the reality that surrounds me.

I am at a cross-roads. I know what is right, now I hope I have the courage to take the path of righteousness. That is the path that is right with God.


  1. As you contemplate leaving, think about this. When I was about seventeen, I was more mixed up and screwed up and confused about being gay. I had no real legitimate outlets for all of the emotions I felt. Many times I felt as if I would never make it and would never be able to correct my paths. In desperation and complete despair I begged God to not forget me. I asked him no matter how far I got away from the truth and light of the gospel to bring me back. Since that experience many years ago I've lived the gay lifestyle, had a boyfriend, drank, and partied like the rest of them. The difference is that while drifting away, God kept teaching me, he kept giving me things I needed to understand. Yes, I was far away from the gospel, yet somehow it never left me. I went through hell a couple of times. Yet now, I go to church and take the sacrament after having done some sincere repentance. I understand the needs you feel, but if you go, ask God to not forget you. He promised me that he would bring me back into the fold. He has made good on his promise. He will do the same for you. When your ready he will make the path way straight and possible for you to come home. I generally wouldn't recommend leaving, but for me it was almost necessary for me to get past the attraction to other men. Always leave the door open to return, ask God for help even if your not strong enough to do it by yourself. I wish you all the best in your journey.

  2. My heart goes out to you, probably because I have felt what you describe. Sometimes I still feel that way. I don't know why the witnesses I've received in the past often aren't enough, or I choose not to remember them when my faith is weak.

    I believe God wants us to be happy, to find joy. As difficult and impossible as it sometimes seems, I believe we can find it as gay men within His gospel and His church. Prayers heading your way.