Introduction

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I am gay. What does this mean?

I am not sure.

For most of my life, I have simply ignored and denied myself a knowledge of my true character. Yet, it is precisely, my true character that I am uncertain of.

I am a man. I am a child of God. I am gay. Who is God? Who is the Savior? Who am I? I don't know really. I have a simple theological and intellectual understanding of my identity, but I do not feel nor do I have a deep and abiding spiritual understanding and conviction of who I really am.

I am 31 year old and continue to struggle toward Godhood. I feel trapped at times, beleaguered by the desires of the natural man. I struggle to put off the natural man and become a saint. I do not even know what a saint is.

I served a mission with the purpose to bring people to Jesus Christ to experience a change in their very natures and experience the transcendental love the covers all things. Yet, somehow I failed to understand that for myself. I failed to apply that. I failed.

I love my God. I love, or think I love, the gospel of Jesus Christ. But at the same time I am aware of the reality that is my life. I am fallen. I am weak.

I trust that God knows what he is doing in "allowing" me to have this mortal experience that includes being sexually attracted to other men. This is the source of the greatest anguish, the source of my greatest doubts, and the source of most bitter and sweetest pain and joy.

I find myself confused and angry. But why?

This is a story of my struggle toward God. I know the detractors will note that I am simply confused and have been brainwashed by standards that are not reflected by the "enlightened" society governed by human rights; brainwashed by a church that simply has no tolerance for equality. To them I simply say, "you do not know my experience."

On my mission I came to know in a very personal way that God the Father lives, that Jesus Christ lives. I came to know they are real. They enveloped me in the arms of their love. I seek to again be embraced by their arms and welcomed home. This I know beyond all measure.

Yet, the natural man is so very persuasive, his logic and rational is compelling. I find myself believing the natural man.

Not too long ago, I found myself sobbing late in the night after I sent home a stranger I never met before. That night I became morally bankrupt and acquired a deficit in my chastity. I broke the eternal law of chastity, I violated my covenant not to engage in sexual activity outside the bonds of marriage. I gave in to the desires to be with a man; to experience the forbidden fruit that feels so natural. I sobbed for hours, full of fear, full of anger. I dropped to my knees to speak to this God I long forgot. I prayed deeply to be forgiven. I prayed that my pain would cease.

That was four weeks ago. I offer the same prayer today.

I now suffer the spiritual consequences. I stay within the church because I know my Redeemer lives. It pains my mind, my heart, my soul that I have transgressed the very laws of eternal increase. I am now in the gall of bitterness. I am estranged from God.

This is my story.