As I drove him back home the next morning, he held my hand and said again, "Thank you for your faith - you give me hope."
As I left him, I wondered what he meant. Faith is a principle of action - faith in Jesus Christ is certainly lacking, but faith in the Goodness of God is clear. Faith that Jesus Christ will change me? Sure, but changed into what? But faith that God's goodness will never condemn me, but rather continue to nudge me in rightness?
There are a lot of questions that remain. The central question is ultimately one about the heart. one reading of my hesitancy to "repent" is that I choose men over God - that I fear the arm of flesh more than the arm of God. This would indicate that I lack faith in Christ, that I was never fully converted or never converted at all. Yet, another reading is simply that I'm confused. It is OK to be confused, it is OK to express doubt, it is OK to be angry. Yet, even another reading is simply that I'm OK and not confused. I prefer for individuals to be OK with me in thinking I'm confused; this is far more tenable than the self-righteous attitude I encounter consistently that my hesitancy is a result of incomplete conversion or lack of faith.
But I'm in a problematic position. I can't deny the reality of God the Father and His Son. I can't. I try. But I can't. There is a part of me that so desperately wants to, I simply can't forget the "Lord, my God." And it is this knowledge that causes me the most concern and frustration. The implications of that knowledge are vast. And so for me now the right thing to do is simply be a good person and mourn with those that mourn and focus on today, the now - without making decisions on not dating. The potential of that options ameliorates the sense of loneliness and despair in a way that a relationship with Jesus (I have heretofore experienced and which has been theorized for me) does not. But does that mean I necessarily need to have a partner? No. What it does is provides me the same dream and vision and hope that a potential partner can give to my straight single Mormon friends!
Excuse the rambling thoughts today.