Yesterday I went to church. It was like any other time, insulated from Priesthood, callings, and other responsibilities of "spiritual ministering." I was content, I had drawn a line around the source of my shame, and spoke (as much as I could) truth to power - even if it was my truth. Doing so allowed me to endure, tolerate, abide, and eventually enjoy church again. In church, but out of reach of "spiritual" ministering. It was a good deal, as I still have a copy of letter of resignation on my desktop and still make a deal with God to take it one month at a time. Yet that changed yesterday.
I was asked to go to the Stake President's Office. All I could think of was, "this is it, here comes the official invitation for disciplinary measures.:" I walked in the office and was given a calling - I was asked to serve in the Stake Sunday School Presidency. I was shocked. I reviewed my past, "You know I'm a recovering sex addict? You know I'm dating, right?" And the response was simply "yes, we know." "We" here was the Stake President, the Institute Director (who is on the High Council in my stake), my current Bishop, and my former Bishop (who is also on the High Council). I was then told, "I've learned to not question inspiration. I received a very clear impression that you are to do this, I've learned not to question God's wisdom."
I sat there dumbfounded on multiple levels. In that moment, all I could think about was how clever a ploy this was. But at the same time, I could not deny this strange arrangement. There were no conditions for me receiving this calling, no "gentlemen's agreement," just simply saying yes and doing. I knew what saying could mean, I knew what saying no could mean. I took a deep breathe and a gulp and said, "Sure, whatever."
Obviously, this is sending off all sorts of "worthiness" meters. Yet, for the first time, it really has nothing to do with the shame of pleasing priesthood leaders or the church. Rather, this "worthiness" meter is going off because of my relationship with God. Being a sex addict is tiresome, I do not want to be anymore. And I look at this "calling" I can't help but think that it is an intervention of sorts.
Last night I had a long conversation with Heavenly Father about this. I talked to Him about how tender my feelings were for A - he texted me today, we have scheduled date six. I talked with Him about the meaning of this calling for my life. There was no clear resolution to the two, but simply a calming presence that indicated His love and understanding for my situation. Again, what was emphasized was the fact that He understands better than I do why I do the things I do. And while He seemed ambivalent about A, He did not say "no." At this point, I'm thoroughly confused.
I texted a fellow gay Mormon and he invited me over immediately, telling me I needed a stiff drink. I left church a little early to visit with my friend and his partner. I had a diet coke while they sipped on whiskey and vodka. They sympathized with me and simply told me that they would love me no matter what I chose to do. But I was glad to have good friends to listen. Though he did whack me on the back of the head and said whimsically "Why are you still going to Church? I told you what they do....that Mormon love is tricksy."
I cautiously approach this calling, surprised that I even said yes, and surprised still that somehow God is not asking me to choose between A and this calling. I think this is perhaps the most confusing part - rather it's not A it's finding a person to love that God is not averse to. Regardless, I confused. Can't you tell?
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