Bad logic, indeed!

So I went home this past weekend. It was a great visit, my nephew is leaving on a mission. Spending time with family was good for me. I felt present with them, I felt a sense of connection to my brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews and my parents. I was certainly renewed and refreshed.

However, on the journey back to Seattle my addictive mind started working its magic - stressing to me that if I get sober I will never have a relationship, ever. So logic goes like this:

Premise 1: Active sober gay Mormon sex addicts cannot have a committed relationship and remain in good standing in the church.

(Certainly there are variations on this particular premise...but this is the rational in my head.)

Premise 2: Going in-active or not maintaining sobriety maintains distance from the Church.

Conclusion: Therefore, sabotaging sobriety enables the gay Mormon sex addict the possibility of a committed relationship.

While this logic is not tight, has numerous holes and jumps, it is nonetheless the prevailing logic in my mind. It is the argument that I can't seem to see beyond. I equate sobriety with activity in the Church, and activity in the Church is therefore equated with a lonely, single life. Nuts! Crazy! I know.

So I not struggle to see a different logic, yet I'm not finding it. I met with my therapist yesterday and am slowly trying to work on re-defining a new logic that will guide my actions. I sure hope it works.

Seeing my nephew getting ready for his mission (he's in the MTC now) brought a host of emotions and thoughts that I am barely coming to process now. The logic that has determined the course of my addiction and my struggle with the church has been highlighted and needs intense scrutiny. Somehow, the mission-ready kid brought that all to the foreground of my thinking. I thank him!