For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

- Mosiah 3:19

Friday, November 4, 2011


So I'm suffering from ennui or perhaps I've hit some bottom of some sort. It's been a while that I've "acted out," being an addict sucks. I've discovered some things that have given me some perspective on life and on how to manage this addiction.

1) The last time I acted out with a guy, I got to know him a bit - it turned into a weird sort of relationship. I think for the first time there was a hint of real intimacy, a hint of real emotion, and dare I say "feelings?" As we sat and talked I felt these feelings I never really felt before - a real connection. This happened over the course of time and continued. The night we went to the bedroom, was a very different night for me. We had talked and there was just something different - it wasn't this rush of lust that usually accompanied my previous exploits. It was tender, really.

After it was over, I still felt a rush of regret and a degree of pain for what I had done. Yet, I discovered that sex can be extremely powerful and an agent that binds people together. Truly one the ultimate expressions of love. I'm coming to understand this, albeit slowly. It took this weird relationship to get me there. I'm no longer in contact with this guy - and I'm OK with that. The past week or so I've thought about acting out, but as I contemplated it, it seemed to simply be an empty experience, void of any expressions of love and humanity - something that was merely animalistic in both its desires and consequences. I hope this clarity lasts. I hope that I can come to respect and reverence the power of sex again.

The second insight came as a result of my daily habit of listening to General Conference talks. The other day, I was listening to a talk by Elder Kristofferson on covenant keeping. This reminded me that if I keep the commandments, then I will never have healthy relationship with another man. This leads to intense loneliness and pain, and so I search out some company to medicate the pain. After this realization, I decided, with the help of my Therapist, to stop doing to those aspects of the church that remind me of a potential life of loneliness. So I've stopped listening to conference, reading contemporary church literature, and visiting with my Bishop and other priesthood leaders. Not having those aspects in my life reminding me incessantly that I'll be alone has helped me feel so much better about myself and given me a confidence to move forward. I still do read out of the Book of Mormon every day - the Book of Mormon does not bring me the unnecessary guilt and shame a lot of those other aspects of the church do.

Overall, I'm feeling pretty good and feel a degree of happiness. However, I must continue to be vigilant.

1 comment:

  1. "the Book of Mormon does not bring me the unnecessary guilt and shame a lot of those other aspects of the church do." I find that to be a very interesting observation. would you say the sae about the other ancient Scriptures?