For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.
- Mosiah 3:19
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
It's all downhill (except for the uphill parts)
This weekend I shared a bed with a very attractive man. I arrived at the hotel on Thursday night to participate in a 190 mile, 12 person team relay race, thinking I'd have my own bed. I entered the room and there was one bed, a pull out and three people. The pull out was taken, so I was left to either sleep on the floor or share the bed with the attractive soccer/runner guy. Honestly, though I knew nothing would happen, it was nonetheless exciting!
I was already having a difficult time, getting lost in fantasy about life with another man, thinking that remaining in the church may not be entirely worth it, and thinking how I might be able to satiate my physical appetites without being condemned by God (there is still a lot that I need to work on here...). So I brushed my teeth and changed out of my clothes into my sleepware. I'd forgotten, people who are not endowed and obligated to wear garments, often just sleep in their underwear. Well, this guy undressed to his boxers and climbed into bed, it was terribly difficult to keep my eyes away from him, but I did. It was, however, so very intoxicating, but I turned away from him, and thankfully, I was so exhausted from the night before, I fell asleep quickly. Though, it was strangely comforting to know that I shared my bed with a man (in a healthy way).
Out team finished the race in 27 hours 17 minutes. We had an average pace of 8:45 a mile. This race was one of the most exciting and fun things I've ever done. I wish I could draw more parallels to my spiritual struggle, but alas, I'm not seeing much.
Though I had an epiphany of sorts, the last leg of my run was at 3:40am, this was the funniest run I've ever had. I sprinted off at a good pace, running on an island, wide open clear skies, stars big and bright and darkness all around, except for my headlamp illuminating the way. I took the occasion to think about my struggle - I realized that sacrifice is giving up something I have accepted and own about myself; otherwise, that sacrifice is not genuine, as I'd be giving up something I never owned. I realized that perhaps part of acceptance is being able to say with certain clarity and without equivocation (and perhaps with less shame) that I desire a life with a man, and then voluntarily give that away, to put that on the altar. This leads me back to acceptance: I have to be OK in every way with my sexual identity (and all that that implies) for it to be an acceptable sacrifice before God, the sacrifice being committing to a life of celibacy. I'm not sure if it makes sense, but it frightens me to think of, trepidation around thoughts like this is usually an indication of its righteousness (or rather its rightness with God). What do you think?