Confused Yet Again!

So it seems I go in waves of confusion. Perhaps one thing I ought to surrender is the fact that I am and will be in a state of constant confusion or of being confounded.

I had to reset my sobriety date, today is day 4.

Blasted!

But it's a slow process. Progress not perfection, that's the goal.

Over the past months of my sobriety I was able to decouple the idea of sobriety with the idea of drawing closer to Christ in the sense of having to accept a life of complete devotion in the church. These two had been "sealed" together - perhaps because people kept referring to my sobriety as tokens or evidence of the atonement. While that may be, the implications of that startled and paralyzed me. While I want to get sober and get to a state of healthy emotional and spiritual well-being, I had to come to separate that state from a state of being committed to the gospel. Making that severed claim in my mind, helped induce a period a sobriety. Why? because being gay, being sober, and being faithfully committed to honoring covenants (can be separated).  One does not necessarily imply the other. Yet, it had been so in my mind for so long.

It wasn't even that great too. The guy was 19, heavens! I know. We started chatting during the week. I was certain that things would not progress, but the stress related to interacting with my Bishop via email, the stress of having to apologize to Andrew for things I did not do, and the stress of an impending visit from my mother all factored into the equation. Yet, this was the case. I went out with friends and had healthy interactions Friday and Saturday night, yet, I got home Saturday night and couldn't quite deal with all the sudden loneliness and heaviness of the stress that week. I though to myself, "Self, this is a good opportunity to turn loneliness into solitude." I lasted for about an hour. The 19 year old texted me and we started texting back and forth for about an hour. Eventually he invited himself over and I did not resist. And that was that.

I woke up the next morning feeling like shit. No surprise.

So, I simply leaned in to it. While I still feel crappy to some extent, I was happy to sit and chat with my sponsor last night. It was a while since we last saw each other. It felt good to reconnect with him; further it was relieving and hopeful, when he said "Even after these many years of sobriety, I still want to be touched, I want to touch; I want to be held, I want to hold; I want to feel connected. But at the same time I don't." Somehow that made me feel understood, made me feel loved. It was hopeful. He lead with his weakness and it made all the difference.

Strange though, I was happy to feel like shit. It made me realize that I can feel sorrow and deep pain for my actions. Whether that is the Godly sorrow Paul speaks of, I don't know. But what I do know is, that as I read from Moroni 7, some weird softening to the Savior occurred. I felt a desire for Him to be in my life. More importantly a phrase in my scripture study on Monday jumped out to me...from Mormon.

Mormon, this amazing rockstar of a prophet describes the continual scene of blood and carnage that besets his life and environment. Beleaguered by the wickedness of the people, he abandons his post as Chief Captain of their armies and remains an observer for some time, after more carnage occurs and the portending presence of the Lamanites, he repents of his oath and resumes command. Mormon then includes this observation: " But behold, I was ^awithout hope, for I knew the judgments of the Lord which should come upon them; for they repented not of their iniquities, but did struggle for their lives without calling upon that Being who created them." 

I bolded that last section and could not help but feel that was me. I continue to struggle for my life in many many ways without calling upon that Being who created me. A somber and sobering thought indeed.