Re-committing or Being Bamboozled...

I went to church and honestly was miserable. I tried to be happy, but simply felt miserable. The three hour block could not have been any longer, but I endured. I stayed, and tried to be attentive. But alas, I was not happy there. I read the pamphlet "God loveth his children," and found myself angered by it. This prompted me to recall the blessing of my heart of stone, so I did a quick study of how that term has/is used. Being hard-hearted in my case seems to be about steeping in doubt.

While I acknowledge God the Father and even recognize there may be power in the atonement, I continue to doubt the atonement's ability to heal me, or simply give me to strength to endure and to make me happy. It seems I have been left alone for so long that I can no longer feel that divine influence, hence the doubt!

I went on a date with this guy on Friday - it was a nice evening. No sex, no touching, just a good old fashioned date: dinner and movie and good conversation and brief hug at the end. This got me thinking that if I really want the atonement to work, I have to be willing to completely turn away in both thought and deed from the desires of my heart. I recognize the logical and doctrinal necessity, yet, I don't feel willing to let it go. In short, I doubt the power of the atonement.

I suppose now is the time to simply pray for the desire and willingness to yield. AUGHHHH! Time to get back on my knees!

Past feeling or Reality

So it's been a while.

While watching a movie and cuddling with this guy, one thing led to another and I ended up doing what I shouldn't have. After it happened I sent the guy home and called my Bishop: he came quickly. He was visibly disappointed and clearly frustrated with my apparent inability to not be attracted to men and to not act on those desires.

Feeling like crap, I asked for a blessing to help get me through the remainder of the day and my upcoming research trip. He agreed and gave this blessing that I am still trying to process. I am not certain whether the blessing came from God or simply became the forum in which the Bishop could finally voice his disgust at my behavior under the guise of the blessing. The blessing basically condemned me and called my actions with other men perverse...but said in a condemning manner. Then the Bishop or Lord (not sure) says I need to root out my heart of stone and replace it with a softened heart. This really hurt, as I feel I am trying to yield. But there may be truth in it.

While I'm not sure who gave that blessing, the substance of the blessing seemed to finally give voice to the expressions of frustration the Bishop had with me for the past several months. Honestly, I was stunned. But I had to and am continuing to try to convince myself that this is the spiritual 2x4 the Lord used to whack me over the head. I don't want to talk to the Bishop anymore, but alas I know if I leave the church I will never come back.

I left to the East Coast for work last week and had time to reflect on that interaction, I did not open the scriptures or offer a single prayer the entire time I was away. Truth is I can't really tell the difference between how good I feel some days the the times I felt the spirit. It makes me wonder about the veracity of the gospel altogether. But something deep down continues to nag at my soul, there is truth in the gospel, I feel it, however faint it is.

So here I sit in my office taking a break from my work to write this entry, wondering where God is. Honestly, I can't feel Him or His presence. When people say there is evidence of Him in my life, all I can see is coincidence and randomness, or the efforts of hard work. I have to continue to remind myself that I may not see clearly with my spiritual eyes, so I simply trust others.

It's hard.

Retrogression

So the past month has been particularly difficult. I've literally slept with the same guy twice, granted there was something that happened before the sleeping. What was to be just cuddling turned into something else. I did not feel fulfilled, rather a sense of loneliness and despair set in. What am I thinking?

So I've realized that for some reason I've adopted, assimilated, and internalized a myth about myself: that I am not worthy of love, in short, I believe I am not lovable. As I dwell on this, I begin to feel lonely, this sense of loneliness is then accompanied by fantasizing about a relationship with a man. These fantasies are non-sexual, rather they are about me being fulfilled emotionally, having the sense of loneliness filled. As I dwell on that, I realize I'm afraid to experience loneliness so I seek out someone to help fill the void I feel. Hence me sleeping and cuddling (and doing other things) with this guy. It did not fill the loneliness.

My therapist says, "no matter how shitty it gets, you need to lean into that fear and experience the loneliness in a healthy way." Sure. Perhaps one day soon.

I told my bishop and he now has me telling ten friends I admire the most about my struggles, so they can help fill the loneliness. Is that inspired? I'm not sure, but here goes to telling people who have no idea of my struggles.

And here I sit, lonely, and truth is, it's crappy!

Surrendering Fear

A wise friend once said fear stands for "F%*& Everything And Run." I think I kinda like that sentiment, given that I'm coming to realize that I'm afraid of everything. I run in so many ways, most often it takes the form of escape from my emotions or situations, either through fantasy (both sexual and nonsexual), movies (I tend to watch a lot of movies), or my work (people tell me I may be a workaholic). Rarely do I confront my emotions and say, "OK this is fear, this is sadness, this is joy," and just allow myself to feel it and let it pass. Once I have these feelings I tend to want to mask or agitate them; for me, there has been one way to do both: sex with self or others.

Being gay, I'm coming to realize, has little connection to my sexual acting out, rather the acting out is merely a symptom of me not knowing how to properly process being gay, while striving to remain faithful. There is a lot of shame involved. A lot! I ignored two phone calls from my parents yesterday (because of shame); they know about my struggle to remain faithful. I try not to think about how life would be without the possibility of a loving relationship with a man, but this often overwhelms me and so I seek an escape, or I run.

But the thing is I keep coming back to what I feel matters most. I can't deny the spiritual feelings. I can't. And so, I try with some effort to surrender my fears to God. But the reality is I've been afraid my whole life - afraid of failure, afraid of not measuring up, afraid of succeeding, afraid of mediocrity, afraid of the status quo, afraid of marriage, afraid of being alone, and so forth. These fears have shaped who I am today. I have been able to rely on them for so long, like good friends they've always been there with constancy.

As I now try to approach God, it's tremendously difficult surrendering my fears to Him. Especially the fear of being alone - this fear has given me license to justify leaving the church entirely. But sacrifices are necessary, they sanctify (at least I'm told).

So a surrendering I go.

Arms of Comfort

This past week, while filled with some great insights, has been difficult. I've been flirting with danger and disaster. I've been toying with the idea of cuddling with some guy - but the reality is I know I won't just cuddle. But I've been thinking about it.

Last weekend, I made several connections and was ready to go through, but then had this salvific thought - "If you go through with this the probability of you being excommunicated increases." This was a sobering thought. I stopped. But then decided that I'd do the "safer" thing and masturbate and look at porn. And so I did.

But the desire to be held did not leave. This week, I've been plagued with this idea, and to escape that idea, I simply reverted back to porn and sex with self. Obviously, there is something deeper going on. I realized that I don't want to visit home, see or talk with my parents. I ignore their phone calls. I'm not really sure why. I told them about being gay, and they responded in love. Yet for whatever reason that feels uncomfortable to me. I'm going to visit my brother and his family this weekend, and I feel anxious as well. Perhaps that's the stress. I'm not sure.

But the idea of being needed, the desire to be held by a man is so overwhelming. I wonder where my strength is to just deal with reality. Reality is hard. But I continue to pray; despite my travails, I know God is there.

I made several phone calls to friends this morning trying to be honest with myself and my feelings. It feels good to do so.

Perhaps I can finally focus on writing this behemoth of a dissertation!

Detached

I feel quite detached from things that matter. Lately I've been wondering why keep going. But at least I recognize this feelings of being detached from the consequences of my behavior.

This past week has been a real struggle. There has been a lot of stress and anxiety, as a result, I turned back to pornography and masturbation as a way to cope. Probably not the best thing for my spiritual development, but it may be better than seeking out an anonymous encounter as I'm prone to do.

It's amazing that even in the midst of my wrestle with obedience, that the Lord still sees fit to bless me. He truly does seek after me.

Yesterday I went back to the temple to explain to God why I was not able to keep the covenant I made a week earlier. While I reflected on my week, I realize how much grace and mercy Father extended toward me. I realize then how much God does actually love me, amid this realization I broke down and wept. Despite my trouble keeping a simple covenant the Lord continued to bless me! I was at the moment truly in awe. Truly!

While I still do want a deep and intimate connection with a man, I realized that I could not find happiness in that relationship. Unless that relationship was within the bounds the Lord set. But then again, I have resolved to sacrifice any all relationships from here on out. I suppose as I work on sacrifice and giving all I am to God, completely surrender, then perhaps in His infinite mercy he'll give me something back.

But I do know and say with confidence that God loves me. Before it was merely an acknowledged idea in my mind, as I progressively yield to God, I am coming to know with a certain clarity that He loves me. The more I feel and understand that love, perhaps the more I'll be able to trust Him.

I can only hope.

Covenant Making and Breaking

Covenants have become fragile things for me. They must be handle with care, otherwise, in my clumsy hands distracted mind I end up breaking them.

I met with my Bishop and Stake President this past weekend; it was in those visits that Father made something very clear to me. But I don't think I would've been ready for it had I not been attentive during General Conference, there Father reminded me that I can only be healed through Priesthood Keys. So as I sat with my Bishop, he told me that I should go to the Temple and absorb the ineffable spirit that attends the place (for me it has always just been a nice place, not ineffable...but then again, I realize I don't know much, so the things of God appear foolish to the neophyte...or something to that effect.) I later met with the Stake President, in his counsel to me, much was incoherent gibberish, but then he stated with clarity, even sharpness, "go to the temple and let it serve you." He said the temple is a template for our lives.

When I heard this, the message was clear: God wanted me to go to the temple, for what, well I think I'm coming to understand. My prayers with God have been going well, I just have to trust that He's there and He's listening compassionately. While I don't quite feel like I know Him, at least, the communication line is open, really for the first time, and it feels good. So I went to the temple yesterday and just sat in my car with full view of the temple and its grounds. In my impatience, I blurted out, "OK Father, I'm here! Now what?"

As I sat there, I had a very distinct impression to make a covenant. It was a simple covenant. And so I did, I covenanted that I would not get on Craigslist for any reason for a week. I was on Craigslist the day before and got tickets for Cut Copy for me and a friend. While on Craigslist, my addict started up wanting to cruise the ads, but I didn't. So in the shadow of the temple, I covenanted with God that I would not get onto Craigslist for any reason. I felt good about it.

As I have had time to reflect on this, Father recognizes how clumsy I am with covenants. In the presence of the temple, He is teaching me how to make and keep covenants. I'm grateful for a tutoring, mentoring, loving Father. I will continue to talk with Him as I do my very best friend!