There is still no word on the Disciplinary Council, but that's OK with me. Last night I attended my recovery group meeting; the men there are amazing. I always feel that I am no measuring up, but at the same time feel their support.
I have been struggling with trying to figure out how to trust God; I'm not sure what this is/was so hard for me. But it is.
The past few weeks have had their challenges. I had installed Covenant eyes on my computer. There are a couple of things I realized about myself: 1) I did not realize what I would do to try to access porn. This was a scary realization. I tried to circumvent the program, but it didn't work, then I went to the university library and tried downloading porn onto a thumb drive or email it myself, to get around the program. I was successful at this scheming. After it was done, and I completed my use of it, I though to myself "what the heck are you doing?" I realized then, that if I didn't try to trust God and truly give my life over, who knows what other things I would do. It has been over a week and I feel in a stronger position.
The second thing I learned about myself, well it's more of an epiphany of sorts, I learned that my previous notion of perfect behavior equals trust in God was a misnomer. I was reading in the seventh chapter of Mosiah, about Limhi's excitement about the prospects of being free from the Lamanites. There Limhi made a statement that stung me to my core: "I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made." I realized then, though my behavior was not perfect, I could still trust God - because there remaineth and effectual struggle to be made. I think I am coming to trust God, even though I do not understand.
I am resolved again to immerse myself in the gospel so that I might be changed, and I trust that though I may not notice it, a change will occur.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Failure and success
Most of the time I feel like a failure. I look at the brothers in my ward and I envy them. They appear to be faithful. But mostly, I envy them, because, in my mind, they do not view pornography or masturbate. I wonder why I feel like a failure.
I'm enslaved by my addiction to pornography and to masturbation. When I go without one, I usually slip and do the other. When and how does this stop?
I have slipped at least once a week for the past seven weeks. I pray for strength. But then I realize that there is a part of me that does not fully trust God. Perhaps it's because I don't really know who He is. I hope I can come to know who He is. But I suppose that comes by first trusting in Him.
Why is it so hard to trust God? There is a part of me that assumes I can do this of my own accord, yet I know I can't. Why am I so stubborn?
I'm enslaved by my addiction to pornography and to masturbation. When I go without one, I usually slip and do the other. When and how does this stop?
I have slipped at least once a week for the past seven weeks. I pray for strength. But then I realize that there is a part of me that does not fully trust God. Perhaps it's because I don't really know who He is. I hope I can come to know who He is. But I suppose that comes by first trusting in Him.
Why is it so hard to trust God? There is a part of me that assumes I can do this of my own accord, yet I know I can't. Why am I so stubborn?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Mortal Thinking
Given the pending decision on whether a Disciplinary Council will be convened, I have been given to much thought on my predicament.
I am not afraid of the Disciplinary Council. If that is the decision, then I willingly submit to this course of corrective action. However, I must admit, I find faith that I did not know I really had. It is certainly small and un-nutured, untended for years. But it is there. This got me thinking about being gay in the Church.
Over the past years, I have had numerous discussions with many people about the place homosexuality has in the church. This discourse is dominated by two primary arguments. If I can summarize as generically as possible: 1) God makes no mistakes and 2) God makes no mistakes. These are clearly indistinguishable arguments on their surface. As I thought about this, I realized that my devotion to God and to His organization on earth (i.e. the church) is predicated on that primary assumption (we'll call it assumption for arguments sake) that God does not make any mistakes.
Before I go on, let me analyze each argument. For the left, the argument that God makes no mistakes is fundamentally not an issue of God, rather, one of equal or human rights. As such, the argument fundamentally rests on the notion of a right...of liberty. It is not a logical leap then to characterize this "God makes no mistakes" as a purely secular argument attempting to stress the importance of rights, namely that of equality before the law. Certainly, this has merit. However, there are numerous iterations of this argument. This brief commentary is a gross simplification.
The second argument, again to simplify a rather complex set of arguments, is primarily spiritual in its context. This argument is clearly connected to a set of beliefs about the nature of God, human rights or the dealings of man are a secondary consideration. This argument embodies millenia of norms and powerful institutions that have shaped the understanding and perception of human behavior and sexuality. These norms and institutions, tradition if you will, have been derived from and perpetuate a belief in God and proper human behavior. As a result, when this group argues that "God makes no mistakes," they are saying there is a reason for why things occur they do, it is not random - there is order.
To summarize, these two arguments are fundamentally different, which is nothing new. In short one argues for a more secualarized acceptance of human behavior, because liberties and a plurality of beliefs is sustained with least resistance in a secualized society. The other contends the moral absolutes are authored by a being known as God, and that socities for millenia have maintained certain moral standards because they have worked to the betterment of society.
This is what is problematic about the discourse. Each group has failed to find common ground. A belief in God is common ground, but easily given up when each attempts to articulate what that means. As such, they tend to argue past each other and fail to geniunely engage each other.
I find this same pattern in the Church. There are the many gays who have left the church because God does not make mistakes, and many who remain in the church because God does not make mistakes. It is here that I wish to spend some time.
I am gay, I have come to terms with my sexual attractions to men. I may still need time to come to terms with my sexuality, but I have consciously chosen to stay in the church as have many others. The argument where God comes to represent an all-loving being who upholds equality is problematic. This argument, first assumes that all share the concept of God, that is God is all-loving, which He is, and that he makes no mistakes, which He doesn't, and that God desires each of us to be happy, which He does. Thus, God is all-loving, omniscient, and desires our happiness. I agree. However, this is as far as this argument seems to take the character of God. Those of this persuasion fail to define God adequately to get a sense of His full character. That is, what does it mean for God to be all-loving? and so forth? Certainly, those of this stance would argue that there are certain moral standards - incarnate principles of behavior, if you will - that govern human interactions. In other words there are generally accepted norms proper human behavior - the new morality. This consists namely of not harming others (honesty, integrity, reciprocity, equality, etc). And there are behaviors that are not proper (i.e. those that harm others). As such, the question often asked, since God is all-loving, who is my behavior harming? If this argument seems to make logical jumps from God to harming, it is. Those in the church who attempt to define their behavior on an ill-defined concept of God, find themselves in a logical quandry. It seems that because God is all-loving, He does not punish. But what are the parameters of God's love?
This argument while logically incoherent, raises some very important issues: 1) How does one define harm? Certainly both stances would argue that God asks us to love one another. Those of us in the church who feel we have been harmed, what is the foundation of that assertion? Are we the object of harm? If we are harmed, does that mean particular type of behavior that caused harm is not God-like? But the problematic is what constitutes that harm? Who defines that harm? How does one know they are harmed? I submit that this failure to define the limits of harm is a result of a faulty understanding of God. Even in secualar society, harm is up for debate, there are degrees of harm. For example some indigenous people completely reject the notion of human rights as a western imposition on their way of life - this because the very notion of rights is inherently western. As a result, human rights harm their way of life. Human rights is seen a western universalism gone awry. As such, the pluralistic secular society struggles with defining the limits of harm. This failure is easily transposed into the church, those advocating the church harmed them, fail to define the limits of harm - it is difficult to understand what is meant by the term. But yet, it is that very notion that provides the impetus for their aspersions against the church. It is here that individuals of this persuasion politicize the church and more importantly the gospel. This ill-defined theology them provides lens for them to interpret the scriptures and re-define the meaning of salvation. This then leads to characterizations that the church is out of touch with reality, but they fail again to properly define reality - whose reality? These arguments however are merely justifications for the individual to behave according to the desires of their body. Following the desires of the body is implicitly included in the notion of an all-loving God. As such, their statement that God does not make mistakes, says a great deal about God, the human condition, and the body. That is, in short, I have the desires I have because God does not make mistakes, if He did I would not have these feelings; because I have these feelings, God must want me to act on them within the accepted norms of incarnate principles of behavior. This argument then makes implicit critiques about the nature of revelation, the validity of Prophets, and moral absolutes. In short, the argument is, in essence,"who knows?"
The second argument has just as many problems, but within the church, there is clarity on the nature of God, there is clarity on moral standards, and there is clarity on harm. However, the problem is that individuals who understand this, cower before its clarity and attempt to find fault with the clarity by then attempting to re-interpret God, to cause confusion. Because within confusion, the range of acceptable behavior is expanded.
I struggled coming to know God, rather I struggled to come to know that there was a God. Coming to know God allowed me to come to understand Hid character, however firm it might have been at times. But God loves me always; this I am coming to find out.
It is late, and I did not intend to ramble this long...I will try to address the second argument in the near future.
For the time being, I await the decision on my Disciplinary Council. I continue to struggle with unwanted behavior, but I am becoming increasingly hopeful.
I am not afraid of the Disciplinary Council. If that is the decision, then I willingly submit to this course of corrective action. However, I must admit, I find faith that I did not know I really had. It is certainly small and un-nutured, untended for years. But it is there. This got me thinking about being gay in the Church.
Over the past years, I have had numerous discussions with many people about the place homosexuality has in the church. This discourse is dominated by two primary arguments. If I can summarize as generically as possible: 1) God makes no mistakes and 2) God makes no mistakes. These are clearly indistinguishable arguments on their surface. As I thought about this, I realized that my devotion to God and to His organization on earth (i.e. the church) is predicated on that primary assumption (we'll call it assumption for arguments sake) that God does not make any mistakes.
Before I go on, let me analyze each argument. For the left, the argument that God makes no mistakes is fundamentally not an issue of God, rather, one of equal or human rights. As such, the argument fundamentally rests on the notion of a right...of liberty. It is not a logical leap then to characterize this "God makes no mistakes" as a purely secular argument attempting to stress the importance of rights, namely that of equality before the law. Certainly, this has merit. However, there are numerous iterations of this argument. This brief commentary is a gross simplification.
The second argument, again to simplify a rather complex set of arguments, is primarily spiritual in its context. This argument is clearly connected to a set of beliefs about the nature of God, human rights or the dealings of man are a secondary consideration. This argument embodies millenia of norms and powerful institutions that have shaped the understanding and perception of human behavior and sexuality. These norms and institutions, tradition if you will, have been derived from and perpetuate a belief in God and proper human behavior. As a result, when this group argues that "God makes no mistakes," they are saying there is a reason for why things occur they do, it is not random - there is order.
To summarize, these two arguments are fundamentally different, which is nothing new. In short one argues for a more secualarized acceptance of human behavior, because liberties and a plurality of beliefs is sustained with least resistance in a secualized society. The other contends the moral absolutes are authored by a being known as God, and that socities for millenia have maintained certain moral standards because they have worked to the betterment of society.
This is what is problematic about the discourse. Each group has failed to find common ground. A belief in God is common ground, but easily given up when each attempts to articulate what that means. As such, they tend to argue past each other and fail to geniunely engage each other.
I find this same pattern in the Church. There are the many gays who have left the church because God does not make mistakes, and many who remain in the church because God does not make mistakes. It is here that I wish to spend some time.
I am gay, I have come to terms with my sexual attractions to men. I may still need time to come to terms with my sexuality, but I have consciously chosen to stay in the church as have many others. The argument where God comes to represent an all-loving being who upholds equality is problematic. This argument, first assumes that all share the concept of God, that is God is all-loving, which He is, and that he makes no mistakes, which He doesn't, and that God desires each of us to be happy, which He does. Thus, God is all-loving, omniscient, and desires our happiness. I agree. However, this is as far as this argument seems to take the character of God. Those of this persuasion fail to define God adequately to get a sense of His full character. That is, what does it mean for God to be all-loving? and so forth? Certainly, those of this stance would argue that there are certain moral standards - incarnate principles of behavior, if you will - that govern human interactions. In other words there are generally accepted norms proper human behavior - the new morality. This consists namely of not harming others (honesty, integrity, reciprocity, equality, etc). And there are behaviors that are not proper (i.e. those that harm others). As such, the question often asked, since God is all-loving, who is my behavior harming? If this argument seems to make logical jumps from God to harming, it is. Those in the church who attempt to define their behavior on an ill-defined concept of God, find themselves in a logical quandry. It seems that because God is all-loving, He does not punish. But what are the parameters of God's love?
This argument while logically incoherent, raises some very important issues: 1) How does one define harm? Certainly both stances would argue that God asks us to love one another. Those of us in the church who feel we have been harmed, what is the foundation of that assertion? Are we the object of harm? If we are harmed, does that mean particular type of behavior that caused harm is not God-like? But the problematic is what constitutes that harm? Who defines that harm? How does one know they are harmed? I submit that this failure to define the limits of harm is a result of a faulty understanding of God. Even in secualar society, harm is up for debate, there are degrees of harm. For example some indigenous people completely reject the notion of human rights as a western imposition on their way of life - this because the very notion of rights is inherently western. As a result, human rights harm their way of life. Human rights is seen a western universalism gone awry. As such, the pluralistic secular society struggles with defining the limits of harm. This failure is easily transposed into the church, those advocating the church harmed them, fail to define the limits of harm - it is difficult to understand what is meant by the term. But yet, it is that very notion that provides the impetus for their aspersions against the church. It is here that individuals of this persuasion politicize the church and more importantly the gospel. This ill-defined theology them provides lens for them to interpret the scriptures and re-define the meaning of salvation. This then leads to characterizations that the church is out of touch with reality, but they fail again to properly define reality - whose reality? These arguments however are merely justifications for the individual to behave according to the desires of their body. Following the desires of the body is implicitly included in the notion of an all-loving God. As such, their statement that God does not make mistakes, says a great deal about God, the human condition, and the body. That is, in short, I have the desires I have because God does not make mistakes, if He did I would not have these feelings; because I have these feelings, God must want me to act on them within the accepted norms of incarnate principles of behavior. This argument then makes implicit critiques about the nature of revelation, the validity of Prophets, and moral absolutes. In short, the argument is, in essence,"who knows?"
The second argument has just as many problems, but within the church, there is clarity on the nature of God, there is clarity on moral standards, and there is clarity on harm. However, the problem is that individuals who understand this, cower before its clarity and attempt to find fault with the clarity by then attempting to re-interpret God, to cause confusion. Because within confusion, the range of acceptable behavior is expanded.
I struggled coming to know God, rather I struggled to come to know that there was a God. Coming to know God allowed me to come to understand Hid character, however firm it might have been at times. But God loves me always; this I am coming to find out.
It is late, and I did not intend to ramble this long...I will try to address the second argument in the near future.
For the time being, I await the decision on my Disciplinary Council. I continue to struggle with unwanted behavior, but I am becoming increasingly hopeful.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Control
I have trouble giving up control. I am proud.
I struggled with the doctrines of the church for so long and finally received confirmation that whatever my mortal condition might be, it is not necessarily my eternal condition. Yet, with that perspective came an intellectual understanding that to "endure" I would need to apply the atonement of Jesus Christ. I still understand that this is imperative to the theology of repentance, yet, I am struggling with allowing that reality to permeate my heart.
The addiction has a hold on my life. In the past three months I have slipped five times, which, I suppose, is about once every 2 to three weeks. How do I break this cycle? The proud part of me assumes that because I can build a somewhat coherent doctrinal argument about the atonement and agency, that somehow I know this is a deeply meaningful spiritual way.
Yet the sad reality is that because I am engaged in these unclean practices, the Spirit who teaches changing truth does not attend my insincere efforts. I am in an attitude of trusting myself over God, trusting in my knowledge of God, rather than in Him. It's very hard to put off the natural man, the part of me that so desires to simply not deal with pornography.
Yet, it is precisely this part of my life that is the stumbling block, it is literally damning my spiritual progression.
I would be lying if I said I understood the place homosexuality has in the doctrinal panorama: I don't. But what I do understand are certain truths, and whether I am gay or not is irrelevant. Right now I struggle to put off the natural man who is easily beset by carnal temptations.
I give in, in part, because there is a part of me that still assumes I know more than God. How arrogant, right? But at this moment, I struggle to put off the yoke of pornography addiction.
Repentance is not easy. I am now awaiting word from my Stake President on whether I will need to stand (or sit) before a Disciplinary Council. This scares me, but I suppose I want to be clean, so this is necessary. Yet, I am still struggling with the disconnect between what I know intellectually about the gospel and the plain and simple truths that speak to the soul. I feel empty a lot of the times. But I go on in hopes that the spiritual substance will fill my life with hope.
I struggled with the doctrines of the church for so long and finally received confirmation that whatever my mortal condition might be, it is not necessarily my eternal condition. Yet, with that perspective came an intellectual understanding that to "endure" I would need to apply the atonement of Jesus Christ. I still understand that this is imperative to the theology of repentance, yet, I am struggling with allowing that reality to permeate my heart.
The addiction has a hold on my life. In the past three months I have slipped five times, which, I suppose, is about once every 2 to three weeks. How do I break this cycle? The proud part of me assumes that because I can build a somewhat coherent doctrinal argument about the atonement and agency, that somehow I know this is a deeply meaningful spiritual way.
Yet the sad reality is that because I am engaged in these unclean practices, the Spirit who teaches changing truth does not attend my insincere efforts. I am in an attitude of trusting myself over God, trusting in my knowledge of God, rather than in Him. It's very hard to put off the natural man, the part of me that so desires to simply not deal with pornography.
Yet, it is precisely this part of my life that is the stumbling block, it is literally damning my spiritual progression.
I would be lying if I said I understood the place homosexuality has in the doctrinal panorama: I don't. But what I do understand are certain truths, and whether I am gay or not is irrelevant. Right now I struggle to put off the natural man who is easily beset by carnal temptations.
I give in, in part, because there is a part of me that still assumes I know more than God. How arrogant, right? But at this moment, I struggle to put off the yoke of pornography addiction.
Repentance is not easy. I am now awaiting word from my Stake President on whether I will need to stand (or sit) before a Disciplinary Council. This scares me, but I suppose I want to be clean, so this is necessary. Yet, I am still struggling with the disconnect between what I know intellectually about the gospel and the plain and simple truths that speak to the soul. I feel empty a lot of the times. But I go on in hopes that the spiritual substance will fill my life with hope.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Hope
It has been a while. I think I am on the right track, but I can never feel certain. Feeling tug me in different directions, and fear keeps me from doing things I would otherwise be doing.
I talked with my Stake President and recited to him my transgressions. Shameful and embarrassing as it is, I did this to bring me closer to God.
I feel the weight of what I have done. I am coming to recognize the seriousness of breaking sacred covenants. I made a promise with God; I broke that promise.
But now I seek the forgiving hand of Heaven; I seek to be forgiven of what I have done by my Father. I seek the grace of Heaven, however unworthy I feel of that grace.
But coming to this realization has really helped me to see my weakness in a different light. I have come to have low regard for the covenants I have made. I did not fully understand what I was doing, nor was I spiritually cognizant. I made these covenants, because that is what one does.
I don't feel lost anymore, but I do feel estranged from Heaven. I suppose I need to learn how to forgive myself.
The carnal desires remain, I think I can control them. But time will tell. I pray for the strength to overcome.
I talked with my Stake President and recited to him my transgressions. Shameful and embarrassing as it is, I did this to bring me closer to God.
I feel the weight of what I have done. I am coming to recognize the seriousness of breaking sacred covenants. I made a promise with God; I broke that promise.
But now I seek the forgiving hand of Heaven; I seek to be forgiven of what I have done by my Father. I seek the grace of Heaven, however unworthy I feel of that grace.
But coming to this realization has really helped me to see my weakness in a different light. I have come to have low regard for the covenants I have made. I did not fully understand what I was doing, nor was I spiritually cognizant. I made these covenants, because that is what one does.
I don't feel lost anymore, but I do feel estranged from Heaven. I suppose I need to learn how to forgive myself.
The carnal desires remain, I think I can control them. But time will tell. I pray for the strength to overcome.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Giving My Life Over
I still do not entirely trust God can actually heal me. Heal in the sense of helping me overcome the addictions in my life: pornography and masturbation. But He can also heal the way I see myself and others. He can change the desires of my heart. But I have trouble believing this. Why?
I slipped again last night and this morning. It is so easy for me to doubt God can actually help even when I do not feel His presence. He is still helping, at least I hope, at least I am told.
I have not fully converted to the gospel. Why?
I am not sure.
I suppose, there is a part of me that still feels I can do all things by myself. It is this part of me that seeks to gratify my intellectual, physical, and emotional pursuits. It is this part of me that assumes I my have greater wisdom, by the capacity of reason and rationality.
I found a loophole in the internet filter. But I suppose a part of me knew I would. I denied that this would happen. It only took two days. This part of me that knew refused to accept that I can't do this alone - that is to break the addiction of pornography.
Certainly, pornography has given me a very unhealthy conception of sexuality, of relationships, and of love. Whether it is gay porn or not, there are numerous studies that document this is the case, though some stop short of saying pornography is not healthy.
Whatever the case maybe, viewing people engaging in a sacred practice defames the sacred and cheapens what love actually is. There is a connection to sexuality, emotions, spirituality, and the like that pornography affects. I am not entirely certain what it is, but most certainly it affects me and my own self-confidence.
But I have denied this. I have assumed I have the power of my own accord to overcome these addictions; and of my own accord re-shape my own sense of self-worth.
Nephi notes that "it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do." I failed to believe and failed to fully grasp what that means. Doing all we can in part is a recognition that I can't do most things of my own accord, and therefore I need to find as many resources as I can to strengthen me against sin, then comes the grace to makeup for what I cannot do.
I do not have a completely broken heart, nor a contrite spirit. My heart is not shattered, and my spirit not sufficiently contrite.
I am a prideful man. It is hard for me to admit in some areas of my life I do not have control. Yet, I do not have control of my physical desires because I have become submissive to my addiction.
I need to learn how to come to God with a broken heart. I need to learn how to come to God with a contrite spirit.
This process is hard. This process of coming to "see" my weakness is hard. But it is humbling. I am coming to realize that I have not the sufficient strength to do things on my own. I am coming to realize that I need a Savior more than ever. Not someone to simply rescue me from the anguish of sin, but to rescue me from my very desires and thoughts. Someone to rescue me from the natural man.
It's hard and most of the time I feel nothing, but I trust something is happening. When I slip, which I hope does not happen again, I feel as if I have to start over from the very bottom. But I am not sure that is the case, there is grace that has helped me progress. While I still stumble, the fall is not so far, if I am trying to learn from my mistakes.
My confidence needs to be boosted. Giving my life over the Lord seems inapposite from boosting self-confidence. At this moment, that seems to be the case, but I am trusting that something good will happen.
I know this theologically and intellectually, but I have never really applied my heart to understanding so that I might gain the spiritual knowledge that I so desperately want now.
I am weak. My heart is saddened. I do not feel the presence of Heaven, but that does not mean He is not there concerned deeply - I have to engraven this in the fleshly tablets of my heart. But it is hard to believe.
I wish God would simply take my addictions from me. But I know that is not the case, He will not do this. But how I wish this. I need to learn how to access the atonement. I desire for the atoning blood to be applied to me.
I slipped again last night and this morning. It is so easy for me to doubt God can actually help even when I do not feel His presence. He is still helping, at least I hope, at least I am told.
I have not fully converted to the gospel. Why?
I am not sure.
I suppose, there is a part of me that still feels I can do all things by myself. It is this part of me that seeks to gratify my intellectual, physical, and emotional pursuits. It is this part of me that assumes I my have greater wisdom, by the capacity of reason and rationality.
I found a loophole in the internet filter. But I suppose a part of me knew I would. I denied that this would happen. It only took two days. This part of me that knew refused to accept that I can't do this alone - that is to break the addiction of pornography.
Certainly, pornography has given me a very unhealthy conception of sexuality, of relationships, and of love. Whether it is gay porn or not, there are numerous studies that document this is the case, though some stop short of saying pornography is not healthy.
Whatever the case maybe, viewing people engaging in a sacred practice defames the sacred and cheapens what love actually is. There is a connection to sexuality, emotions, spirituality, and the like that pornography affects. I am not entirely certain what it is, but most certainly it affects me and my own self-confidence.
But I have denied this. I have assumed I have the power of my own accord to overcome these addictions; and of my own accord re-shape my own sense of self-worth.
Nephi notes that "it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do." I failed to believe and failed to fully grasp what that means. Doing all we can in part is a recognition that I can't do most things of my own accord, and therefore I need to find as many resources as I can to strengthen me against sin, then comes the grace to makeup for what I cannot do.
I do not have a completely broken heart, nor a contrite spirit. My heart is not shattered, and my spirit not sufficiently contrite.
I am a prideful man. It is hard for me to admit in some areas of my life I do not have control. Yet, I do not have control of my physical desires because I have become submissive to my addiction.
I need to learn how to come to God with a broken heart. I need to learn how to come to God with a contrite spirit.
This process is hard. This process of coming to "see" my weakness is hard. But it is humbling. I am coming to realize that I have not the sufficient strength to do things on my own. I am coming to realize that I need a Savior more than ever. Not someone to simply rescue me from the anguish of sin, but to rescue me from my very desires and thoughts. Someone to rescue me from the natural man.
It's hard and most of the time I feel nothing, but I trust something is happening. When I slip, which I hope does not happen again, I feel as if I have to start over from the very bottom. But I am not sure that is the case, there is grace that has helped me progress. While I still stumble, the fall is not so far, if I am trying to learn from my mistakes.
My confidence needs to be boosted. Giving my life over the Lord seems inapposite from boosting self-confidence. At this moment, that seems to be the case, but I am trusting that something good will happen.
I know this theologically and intellectually, but I have never really applied my heart to understanding so that I might gain the spiritual knowledge that I so desperately want now.
I am weak. My heart is saddened. I do not feel the presence of Heaven, but that does not mean He is not there concerned deeply - I have to engraven this in the fleshly tablets of my heart. But it is hard to believe.
I wish God would simply take my addictions from me. But I know that is not the case, He will not do this. But how I wish this. I need to learn how to access the atonement. I desire for the atoning blood to be applied to me.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Desperate for Peace
I feel yet again estranged from God.
I watched porn in the wee hours of the morning and then masturbated. It was nearly seven weeks. Probably the longest I went since my mission. That was ten years ago. Now I feel terrible. This practice has simply exacerbated the guilt and anguish I feel already for having paid three guys to masturbate in front of me.
My Bishop says that I am changing or progressing. I wonder, at times, whether I feel as if I am deluding myself. But then there are moments of peace that passeth all understanding. These are rare and singular moments. I experience peace and good feelings, but those specific feelings are rare and a deep spiritual feeling attends them. These moments assure me that God is there, that I am loved. And that God will always see me for who I really am, the source of His love for me. He sees me as an eternal and exalted being; He sees the potential I have to become like Him. But yes, He loves even in my weakness. But this is not to suggest that because God loves me, He does not care about the things I do. He does care. He cares. When I break an eternal law, I move away from God. He does not move away from me.
Again, I feel as if I can so easily write about these things; I can even quote scriptures and General Authorities, but I fail again to feel the power of what I have written.
Abinadi, before the priests of King Noah, was questioned as to the meaning of Isaiah. Abinadi answered these priests who knew the law, who knew the scriptures, who even prayed: "Ye have not applied your hearts to understanding; therefore ye have not been wise. Therefore what teach ye this people." This is me. I know the scriptures, I know the law; yet I am failing to apply my heart to understanding.
There is a power, at least I believe, in the doctrine. I am failing to access that power. How do I apply my heart to understanding?
Having masturbated and viewed pornography, the first time in seven weeks, I find that I am still very weak. The power of doctrine comes, in part, from being obedient to the laws of Heaven.
I am finding that I am still so very weak, and perhaps not entirely honest with myself. There are parts of my mind and my life that I still wish to hide, that I still cling to. I desire to view pornography, more specifically I want to see men erotically engage each other. I want to be with a man. My physical body so desires to be with a man.
When I am in these moments, God's peace is so foreign, so distant, so unattainable, so impossible. It is in this moment, I suppose where I must simply remember the peace of God is possible. Remembering is tied to faith. It provides the foundation for faith of moving forward in times where things seem impossible, remembering helps.
Yet, I still have a hole in my heart. I continue to feel the anguish of what I have done. I feel alienated from Heaven.
This post is rambling. Do I dare ask myself that God is demanding too much? Do I dare ask myself if I am demanding the impossible?
I know that God is real. I have a budding faith in the power of the atonement. Yet, I am having trouble accessing it. My Bishop says I am progressing.
I want to deal with this in the most emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy way as possible. Each of these has to be addressed. What am I missing?
I suppose I am happier than I have been. I have a greater peace of conscience. Yet, that one moment of weakness is bringing me down. I feel nervous, anxious, stressed, worried, weighed down, filled with anxiety, and anguish. Perhaps this pain is meant to help me truly see myself.
I have to come see myself as God sees me. He loves me, not just because of the potential I have, but because of who I really am. I am a son of God, but I fail to understand what that means. That knowledge has the power to deflect the powers of Satan. I remember Moses. But I do not have that knowledge. I do not have the deep spiritual knowledge.
But faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. In other words, faith is the foundation of all our hopes for the future. I hope for good things for my future. This is predicated on my conviction that God the Father lives, that Jesus Christ lives. Yet, I am slow in coming to know them. But I know they are there.
My physical appetites are strong; I believe that coming close to the Savior, His power will change my desires. I most certainly do not expect a change in my attractions to men, but rather a change in my ability to control my desires. That I will be changed to desire the things of God, the things of Heaven.
My heart is empty. I desire to believe.
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