Not knowing

The past two weeks have been somewhat of a roller coaster ride. I've gone to the apex and to the nadir in my emotional state, confidence, self-esteem, and knowledge of "truth."

At the moment, I am simply coasting along - a plateau, if you will. I've come to realize that I really don't know what it is I want. People will inevitably tell me: "You're a child of God," "You know what's right, You want heaven," "God loves you," "Just have faith and God will lead you."

The first set of comments presumes they know what I want. It presumes a foundation of faith that I don't think I necessarily have or is woefully weak. I'm not sure what it means to be a child of God. Certainly, I can rattle off the numerous expositions by prophets and apostles both ancient and contemporary. I can explain the theological and ontological significance of it all, I can even cause the hairs on the back of one's neck to stand straight up as I do. All this intellectual knowledge DOES NOT mean I have that experiential knowledge. If I do, it's very weak. I acknowledge this.

Yesterday, the opening hymn in priesthood was "I am a child of God." The third verse of that hymn reads "If I but learn to do his will / I'll live with him someday..."I realized again, that the understanding of truth and application of truth are two different things. And that for progress they must work in tandem. It's not a matter of me not understanding the truth, rather at this moment it's a matter of applying the truth - or in other words "learning to do his will."

I fear I do not have the courage or faith to do his will. I fear I do not have the faith to apply the truth connected to being a child of God. Last night as I talked with a dear friend of mine about my struggle, he noted that I had already made up my mind. He said, "I can hear in your voice. You've already decided to leave." I resisted this, because I could not accept it. He went on and said very boldly, very clearly and with much authority (as he has known me for many many years) "If you walk away, you will never come back. You know this and I know this. If you walk away, no matter what you say or think, you'll never come back." I tried to fight this line of reasoning, but it was to no avail. I accepted it. It is true.

He explained that I knew what the truth was and is. And I do. I understand it, but because of my weakness I do not want to apply the truth. In part, because I know what applying the truth means. It means that I turn completely away from the thoughts of a life with a man. It means that I will never have a part of me fulfilled, that I think needs fulfillment. It means, I sacrifice these things and the desires of my life in a loving relationship (with a man) to God. It means, I sacrifice myself and who I think I am at this moment to God. It means taking that step in the dark. It means becoming someone else. It means changing. This is the reality that surrounds me.

I am at a cross-roads. I know what is right, now I hope I have the courage to take the path of righteousness. That is the path that is right with God.

The Brilliance of the Natural Man

I hear others tell me "all you need to do is read your scriptures...all you need to do it prayer...just do God's will and you'll be happy." To them, I graciously say, "thank you!" However, upon further reflection the "all you need to do..." lines do nothing for me. I read my scriptures, daily! I pray, daily - even when I don't want to. Last night, I knelt to prayer. Weighed down by falling yet again with another guy on Sunday, I tried praying, but nothing came for five or so minutes, I ended saying, "Father, I'm not ready to talk." I then crawled into bed and went to sleep. I woke up this morning, knelt again and said, "Father, I'm trying," with that I ended my morning prayer. I sat down for breakfast, read a chapter out of the Book of Alma. This has been my life. I find it hard to connect to God. Yes, I read. Yes, I pray. But at times this is not enough.

The problem is not that I don't know I am a child of God; not that I don't know that God loves me; not that I don't know I can trust God. I know these things, I have evidence of them. Yet,the problem is at the moment, I feel estranged from this. I can't seem to find the comfort in these things. I have hope that I will, else why do I continue to pray, even when I don't want to say anything?

The natural man inside of me is so very strong. Certainly the natural man has his ear bent toward Satan. The natural man knows me oh so well. As a result, it's incredibly difficult to give my will over. That is simply one problematic, the other is that I don't know how. I am sensing, after my acting out with another guy, that I have very little control of myself. I can not do it alone. But my will is hard to bend. The logic and reasoning of the natural man is so very persuasive. I struggle to put off the natural man; consequently, I struggle to submit to the will of God.

I think, in part, it's because I don't know what God's will is. It is easy for me to assume I know what his will is, but the reality is I don't know. There are things people tell me I should do, but they aren't God. I have a very generalized trust in God, yet, I struggle experiencing the belief that He has my interests in mind. I can say it, I can believe it, but my actions and the patterns of my thoughts suggest otherwise.

Certainty and Uncertainty

I am not sure of things anymore. I recently realized that I do not know who God is. I do not know who I am. All I know is that there is a part of me that wants sex; a part of me that wants a longing connection to a man. Perhaps not in that order, perhaps both at the same time. I am not certain.

Attending meetings for my addictions has been helpful. Things I thought I was certain of, I am not longer certain of. I thought I knew who God was, but the more I reflect on it, the less I know who He really is. This stems, in part, from my own distorted relationship with Him. I first started my sexual deviance when I was about 11 or 12; that never really relented. Now twenty years later, I struggle to gain or admit that I have no control, and surrender myself to God. Yet, that twenty year struggle messed up my own perception of myself, my perception of who God is, and of my relationships with others. I slowly unplugged myself from reality, finding repose in my own reality. A reality that I constructed, ever so carefully, to maintain the illusion of control, the illusion of certainty, the illusion of confidence, the illusion of me.

As I sit the meetings, talking with, frankly more experienced people, I am coming to realize that I have no strength, that I have no confidence. I am nothing. Yet, that is the point, right? That is what I am to realize. I am not the person I thought I was. I am not the confident person I project myself to others, nor am I the person lacking in self-confidence, with low self-esteem. Rather, I am nothing. This is reality that is hard to accept. With nothing, comes increasing uncertainty, of who I am, of what I am, of where I am going, of what I am supposed to be and believe in.

God is somewhere. I believe that, or at least tell myself that. Being gay is a small part of who I am, but being nothing is more. Being nothing means I give up control, recognize that I am indeed powerless over myself. It is realizing that I am powerless over the natural man. Being nothing, means I realize that I, of my own power and will can do nothing to overcome the natural man.

While, this makes intellectual sense, I am afraid to admit it. I am afraid of being nothing. I am afraid of taking the step in the darkness. I am afraid of uncertainty. Yet, that is precisely what I need to progress. I need to be completely uncertain of myself. I need to let go of all the efforts I make to control my environment, to control me.

Sure, I want a partner. But at the moment, I am not sure why. Is it for God's will or my own? But the point is I don't know God nor his will. Will I ever? As I step into the unknown, the uncertain; I come to know. I come to feel His will. I believe that's how it works. But I am afraid.

I'm afraid of uncertainty!

Falling..

So the past few weeks have been busy, to say the least. I had a very stressful end of the Fall quarter. Grading papers, writing proposals, getting ready for Christmas, and generally trying to be Santa Claus to all I knew. It's stressful. During that time, the nagging question of leaving the church had settled deep within my mind - it continued to gnaw at my hopes, my aspirations, and eventually it took me to paths I never intended.

The question gnawed at my soul. I almost slipped four days before Christmas. However with thanks from a friend, I was talked down from the cliff. But the question remained. But let me connect the question to my state of mind. The question was fueled by my physical needs and desire to be with a man. This deep and seemingly innate desire led me to question whether I should remain in the church. Yet, the power of that desire to be with a man - to be fulfilled physically. In that physicality, was a curiosity I nurtured by my questions: what does it feel like to touch a man? what does it feel like to kiss a man? what does it feel like to cuddle with a man? These are some of the questions of the desires of my body and mind. These questions were nagging and strong; I wanted so much to know the answers to these questions. In short, I wanted to be with a man. This desire naturally led me what would prevent me from finding answers to those questions: the doctrine of the church. Well, to be fair, it wasn't the doctrine that prevented, rather it was my own socialization into the norms of the church. It was, in short, the fear that my reputation would be tarnished. In other words, I knew if I found the answers to those questions, I would be disfellowshipped and thereby people I knew would think less of me. However, I missed the fact that I should have been more concerned with the actual doctrine and the breaking of covenants. But to overcome this feeling, I reasoned leaving the church to be a viable option; an option that would enable to be with a man. The thought of being in the church for my whole life and not knowing the feeling of a man's touch was unbearable, it was unthinkable, it was lonely and incredibly depressing.

While in this state, I begin to yearn after a man's touch. I yearned to be with a man, the thought of what others would think of me did not seem to have the same power over me. That was when I felt I could then act on these desires; the thoughts of covenants and doctrine did not have the same efficacy as it did before. Four days before Christmas, I was about to look for someone to fulfill these base physical needs. Yet, at that moment, I called a friend. He talked me off the cliff.

I left for home and spent an incredible spiritually uplifting time at home; my father is a bishop. He does not know of my struggles, but I witnessed his ability to reason with the Spirit. It showed as we spent time together. I love him and my mother dearly. They are my heroes and my life. I resolved when I was leaving my parents home after the Holiday to put all these things behind me. I felt that I wanted to doctrine of love, the doctrine of heaven. I felt resolved to fully overcome the natural man; which meant putting the yearnings behind me. I stayed at a friend's home near the airport and there, my relayed to me the story of how they might be excommunicated because of what they did (relations with their same sex). I did not realize my friend had struggled with this. I was not able to give advice. But what my friend did stayed with me, my friend was not phased, was not afraid of the consequences. This gave me pause to think about the yearning questions, and a part of me said, "it's not that bad."

The yearning returned. I desired to feel a man's touch, to be with a man physically. I got home to the Northwest and that evening I invited a guy over to simply give him a massage. I massaged him, and it took everything in me to keep from touching him down there. I then kissed him - I kissed a guy for the first time. I felt right. He held me as I kissed him. He then left. That kiss kept going through my mind, I was coming to realize that I did not want sex, but rather an emotional connection; that kiss was indicative of the internal yearning to be connected at a deep and intimate level with a guy. He responded to my touch - he needed me and found my touch fulfilling. As we kissed he responded. I felt needed.

The next day, I invited another guy over the same experience. I wanted to feel that again. He came, got undressed and I massaged him and kissed him passionately, he held me tight and hugged me. The passion was there. After he left, I begin to realize that I did not want sex, I did not necessarily want to see someone naked. Rather what was imprinted on my mind and soul was being needed at the deep and intimate level. I wanted someone to hold me and kiss me. I then got onto Craigslist and found someone who wanted to snuggle and cuddle. I responded to ad and then found myself in front of his apartment building.

He came down and let me in. I walked into his room; while being fully clothed, we climbed into his bed, and he climbed into my arms. I held him, he held me. We cuddled all night, there was not sex, there was no kissing. He held me tight. I left the next morning. I had come to realize what i wanted most was to be held, to be needed deeply. I came away that morning, the fire of the questions gone, the lust after the next visit gone, the desire to be sexually gratified dissipated. What I wanted most after that experience, was to be able to sleep next to someone and know that i was needed. That guy pulled my arms around him and held them tight. He laid his head on my chest and squeezed em tightly against him and slept. This fulfilled me; it took the questions away.

I realized then, that I want to be needed at a deeply emotional and intimate level. While my family and friends may fill part of that, the intimacy that comes from people who are attracted to each other is missing. I realized then, that my pornography addictions, my acting out, and the questions, were symptomatic of this unfulfilled need.

I told my Bishop the whole ordeal. I am fairly certain now that I will have a disciplinary council. The fear I had before of what others would think of me is gone; the fear I had of my family knowing I was in a state of limbo (with my membership) is no longer there. I now know what I want, I want to be loved deeply by someone for eternity. While I may certainly have continued problems of these attractions; at least I now know what I want.

Losing Sight

"We cannot and we must not allow ourselves to get distracted from our sacred duty. We cannot and we must not lose focus on the things that matter most." President Uchtdorf.

The past month or so has been filled with doubt. I think for the first time in my life I am not ignoring the fact that I am sexually attracted to my own sex. The implications of that attraction are profound, whether I act or not act on them. Unfortunately, I have acted on these attractions to a small degree, enough at least to put me in limbo. My Stake President still has not decided on whether a Disciplinary Council should be convened. The fact that it has been over three months since I met with the Stake President is certainly a source of stress in my life.

I continue to struggle with the simple and small things: reading my scriptures and praying. It is tempting to say I am doing these things, as a way to rationalize my thoughts of leaving the church. Yet, as Elder Holland pointed out the Book of Mormon and what it means is a stumbling block for leaving the church. I find this to be very true.

But let me give some structure and context. The last couple of months I have been doubting every week or so, well more like trying to rationalize why I am still in the church. The most obvious answer is the compelling experience I had that can not be ignored. However, that does not provide sufficient faith to overcome the thoughts of leaving, nor has it become a motivating factor for reading the scriptures or even praying. Rather, the strength of that experience has compelled me to stay in the church but not to make the sufficient and needed adjustments to my life to reflect that of a disciple's life.

I met with my bishop yesterday and indicated that I had thoughts of leaving the church. He responded in love. I respect him deeply, though he is only a few years older than me, he is wise and compassionate. Lately, I've been thinking how much I would like to experience and fulfill the physical desires of my heart. I think how much "happier" I would be finding a partner, someone to love, someone to be a part of my life, someone who I could love intellectually, emotionally, and physically. Yet, the reality is that may never be. I will never experience that type of love and relationship. When I look down the road of disciple-ship it is a hard and lonely road; I often wonder if I am ready and willing. I am definitely not ready; for years I thought I was willing. AS I struggle with my addictions, the memory of that weekend fades quickly. The urgency I felt in needing to repent diminishes as well. What remains now are yearnings to be with a man and my addiction to pornography.

The past five months since that weekend have been hard, in terms of the pornography. I am addicted. It is difficult to get away from. I think I am not trying hard enough; I probably am not. Yet, as I reflected on why I am not making progress in abstaining and overcoming my addiction, I asked what motivation I have in doing so? I asked why I continue to be in the church. The answer came down to me not wanting to disappoint my parents. I am still in the church because leaving would be devastating to my parents. I lack sufficient motivation to overcome my addiction, because my motivation in remaining in the church is not to disappoint my parents, it is not related to becoming fully converted to Christ.

Since my mission, I have lost focus of things that matter most. I know leaving the church would damn me; yet my complacency in the church is still damning me. I am refraining from partaking the forbidden fruit because I fear my parents more than I fear God. This is indeed troubling. But it is so complicated. I have a testimony of the gospel and know deeply that God the Father lives; yet, that testimony is not sufficient to motivate me to change. Further, I know this, yet, I have no desire to obtain the necessary motivation. As a result, I feel mired.

I peek onto Craigslist, I engage in pornography and its practice and I fantasize and deeply lust after being intimate with another man. These things feel so natural. Yet, I do not hunger after righteousness. I think of finding a partner, I think of being mates with that partner. I have lost sight of the most important: my salvation. I have lost focus. I understand I have lost focus, yet, I do not feel motivated to do anything about it. I often wish I were never born into the church. I wish I had never made covenants. I wish I had no connection to the church. Somehow, logically in my mind, these would free me to act on the physical and emotional desires of my body. Yet, as I think of this, I feel condemned to be in the church, living out my days journeying the not-so-easy path of discipleship.

There is a small desire within that draws me back, there is a small connection I feel to heaven that fixes me in the church; but the motivation to press forward, to feast on the words of Christ, to embark on that journey is not sufficient. I suppose I can make that appearance, as I did for nearly ten years. But that seems contrary to my own integrity. I do not want to live the lie anymore. Yet, I need to shift my motivation from parents to Heavenly Parents. From fear to the hope of salvation and exaltation. However, while I say the rights things, my actions and thoughts say otherwise. I am confused. I am a child of God who is confused. I hope that I can awake and "come to" myself (as did the Prodigal son). That "coming to" is seemingly far off and intellectually out of reach. However, I have hope that transformation will follow introspection, as explained by Elder Neal A. Maxwell.

Thinking Deeply

Being the 12-step program definitely has its benefits. Going through that program really is a program on learning how to let go of myself. It's hard. I keep thinking that I, of my own accord, have the capacity to do things that would propel me to eternal glory. This is not so. Yet, I believe that I can do it on my own. I try to give my life over, but it has become increasingly difficult.

As I think about my crimes against heaven, I come to feel they are really crimes. I have violated and broken sacred covenants and have sought to touch the unclean thing. I have broken my promise to God. It has been four months since I did what I did, and now I am coming to realize its severity. I thought I did before. I thought I understood pain for what I have done. But for whatever reason, the fact that I broke a law of heaven is now taking on a new light.

Perhaps this is what I have been praying for. Before I wanted to believe I could be healed and forgiven as quickly as I committed the crime. Not so. God does not work that way. This is heavy. I find my thoughts wandering to my actions and my state - I can barely concentrate on my work.

Repentance is hard. Turning one's life over is hard.

I am lonely.

The struggle continues

I wonder why I am not humble enough to admit that I can do nothing of my own accord. I continue to struggle. But I am resolved to examine the source of pride and overcome it.